Basic Issues for People Who Are Victims/ Survivors of Incest and Child Abuse
by Cedar A. Morgan/Paula

• Trust: People who are victim/survivors have a perfectly sane right not to trust anyone. The people we should have been able to trust have betrayed us. One of the ways that we protect ourselves is not to trust so that we cannot be betrayed again. Don't expect us to trust you. Why should we? Our trust has to be earned and you may never be able to do that. Most importantly, we must begin to learn to trust ourselves. Only when we can do that, can we begin to trust others.

• Abandonment: A person who is a victim/survivor has been abandoned. Most frequently that has been an emotional abandonment. Because of that reality and the pain of that reality, we are extremely fearful of being abandoned by anyone. When working with us, we may need regular reassurance that you will not abandon us. However, don't make any promises that you can't keep and remember to qualify those statements as necessary.

• Guilt: Telling a person who is a victim/survivor that we are not at fault for the abuse does not magically erase the guilt. We have spent years blaming ourselves because we didn't have the knowledge or power to place the blame where it belonged. We need to hear frequently who is responsible. Do not make excuses for perpetrators. We don't need any help doing that because we've already come up with all the excuses.

• Shame: Shame is different from guilt. Shame comes from the feeling of being intrinsically bad, Not feeling bad, but being bad. It is essential, when working with a person who is a victim/survivor, that you not shame us. We also need permission from you to tell you that we are feeling shamed, and that you won't become defensive and abandon us when we do.

• Survival Techniques:

  • Denial is a major defense mechanism focus. We have used it unconsciously for years in order to survive. Becoming aware of denial is important. Taking a serious look at it is often healing. But we also need to be allowed to be in denial at times.

  • Minimizing our reality can help us to survive the overwhelming intensity of what our reality means. As children, minimizing helped us to feel more 'normal."

  • Dissociation is a common coping technique. As children we did it subconsciously, but as adults some of us can do it consciously when we are faced with traumatic situations.

  • Acting out is often labeled as a problem when in fact the underlying issues are what needs to be worked on. Acting out is a way of controlling our lives.

• Perfectionism is a way to get "good" enough so that the bad things won't happen, or to hide behind how bad we feel we really are.

All of these survival techniques were learned either consciously or unconsciously. The important thing to remember about them is that they worked. We survived because of them. So, until we have learned new survival skills and even after we have, we may be resistant to giving them up. We need to hear that what we did to survive was okay. And, although it is often quite confusing for us; when those old techniques stop working, it is a sign of our healing.

• Sadness and Grief: We have a lot of grieving to do. Grieving is not about self-pity. It is the honest feeling associated with the many losses in our lives. Some of those losses include: the loss of our childhood; the loss of "family," which includes safety, security and nurturance; the loss of innocence; the loss of individual family members; the loss of our own bodies and an awareness of our bodies, the loss of memories; and the loss of personal power. We frequently feel overwhelming sadness and can't seem to identify its source. Our experience has been that it is usually associated with a valid need to grieve that we are unable to identify.

• Anger and Rage: We have frequently stored up and stuffed our anger and rage. We do that for many reasons, but the three main reasons are the overwhelming terror about the intensity of our own anger, the clear messages we've gotten that anger is not an acceptable emotion and our terror of losing control or becoming like a perpetrator. If you are not comfortable with anger and rage, or facilitating it; educate yourself about it or don't work with us.

• Control: As people who are victim/survivors we lost control of our bodies and our lives. We need to have areas of our lives where we do have control. Our healing process is the logical place for that to happen. We need to be in control of the healing from our ultimate loss of control.

• Boundaries: Most people who are victim/survivors grew up in an atmosphere of mushy or no boundaries. We need for you to set your own boundaries so that we can learn by example and see that setting boundaries is important.

• Families: Regardless of how crazy or unsafe our families are, we still want the family that we believe we should have had. We may need to check out our families at frequent intervals to see if our hopes are a possibility. We may need to spend time with them despite how traumatic that might be. Respect that need in us as we heal. We may also need to discontinue all contact with our families. That too should be respected.

• Kids: Many of us have within us the children of our childhood-feeling realities. Those children or kids, as we choose to call them, came about as a result of disassociation during the traumatic events of our childhood. We believe that working with the kids is an integral part of our healing. However, because we fear being labeled and classified, we often don't tell anyone about these kids. Kids are more well defined in some of us than in others but our experience is that they are a reality for the majority of us. These kids frequently are the keepers of much of the emotional reality of people who are victim/survivors.

• Self-Abuse: Those of us who are self-abusive may do it for any of a number of reasons. It may be an attempt to punish our bodies if we felt betrayed by our bodies when they physiologically responded during the abuse. It may stem from a need for physical pain equal to the emotional pain that we feel. It may be a control issue -as in eating disorders. Don't shame us about self-abuse. Unless our lives are threatened, the abusive behavior should not be the focal point. The feelings and issues beneath the behavior should be the focus. Shaming us about the abusive behavior usually intensifies the behavior Please remain aware about the fact that it is only a behavior-not the problem or issue. Experience has shown that when the underlying issues are worked through, the behavior will stop.

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Things That Most People Who Are Victims/Survivors of Incest Want You to Know
by Cedar A. Morgan/Paula

1. People who are victim/survivors have some sense of responsibility for the abuse. Telling us that we are not at fault or not guilty does not stop that feeling of being responsible. Telling us may lessen the guilt or shame, but it doesn't take away years of believing that it is our fault.

2. We deal with a great deal of shame. This is not to be confused with guilt. We often come from shame-based families and have unconsciously learned to shame ourselves very well. It is a long process to unlearn this type of unconscious behavior. Don't shame a person who is a victim/survivor about anything. It is a pattern that we are often trying to break.

3. The healing process for a person who is a victim/survivor may take years. We may be in and out of therapy numerous times. When another life crisis occurs we may need once again to deal with the abuse. When new memories that were blocked begin to surface, the trauma becomes very real and must be dealt with again.

4. People who are victim/survivors are often caretakers. It has been a survival technique that we have used to survive our victimization. It takes a long time to unlearn that behavior. Don't allow a person who is a victim/survivor to be a caretaker to you.

5. People who are victim/survivors often resent being judged. We have judged and punished ourselves for years. We are usually harder on ourselves than anyone else can be.

6. People who are victim/survivors don't want your pity. We would rather have you channel your energy and concern in a positive way to stop sexual abuse of children.

7. People who are victim/survivors rarely blame anyone other than ourselves during the initial stages of healing. So don't spend time looking for people to blame. Blame the abuser; that is where the blame should lie. Society and professionals have already spent too much time blaming the wrong people.

8. Don't try to excuse the abuser's behavior. What they have done is a crime and should not be excused. They make up enough excuses for themselves and don't need any help doing that.

9. Don't categorize people who are victim/survivors. Each case of abuse, although it may have some common threads, is a unique case. AU people who are victim/ survivors don't follow specific patterns of behavior or healing.

10. All people who are victim/survivors do not have clear memories about the abuse. They may need to deal with that lack of memories on a regular basis.

11. Families and family issues are difficult for most people who are victim/survivors. Our sense of family may have been shattered at an early age. It is something foreign to many of us. Our society needs to allow space for us in how we choose to deal with our families.

12. Even if a person who is a victim/survivor is in a safe place now, we are frequently still fearful of our abusers.

13. Talking about the abuse means "breaking the secret." Many of us are faced with the terror of "breaking the secret" each time that we talk about the abuse. The concept of "keeping the secret" is so entrenched in us that it is a major step each time that a secret is broken.

14. If a person who is a victim/survivor chooses to talk about their abuse and you are uncomfortable about it - say so. Let the victim/survivor know that you aren't uncomfortable with them - just the issue. Then offer to help us to find someone who is comfortable with the issue.

15. Sexual identity issues are common for people who are victim/survivors. But gays and lesbians who are victim/survivors are not gay or lesbian because of the abuse.

16. Don't ask a victim/survivor to forgive and forget. First of all, there is nothing we would like more than to be able to forget. Because we can't forget, what we can do is learn to deal with its effects in our daily lives. Secondly, forgiveness is a reciprocal thing. The abuser needs to ask for forgiveness and change their behaviors before we should even begin to think about forgiving.

17. Don't ask a victim/survivor if they are done dealing with this yet. That is a shaming
    question. The process of healing may take an entire lifetime.

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What People Who Are Victims/Survivors Need
by Cedar A. Morgan/Paula

1. Someone who will do supportive facilitating of our healing process. We may at times be unsure of what that process is, but we do not need for anyone to try and "fix" us.

2. Someone who is not directive with us. We need to control our own healing.

3. Someone who can make suggestions or come up with creative third alternatives when we are stuck in "either/or" places.

4. Someone who does not expect that we will follow their suggestions.

5. Someone who has only one expectation about our healing process: that we will do what we need to do for ourselves.

6. Someone who has educated themselves about our issues, and doesn't expect us to educate them in a session.

7. Someone who encourages the expression of our feelings and can help us to identify those feelings,.

8. Someone who can do more than identify feelings. We need to be able to express them fully in a supportive environment.

9. Someone who asks before they touch us without any expectation that we will say yes.

10. Someone who can facilitate anger- and rage-work in whatever way we need to do it.

11. Someone who is honest with us.

12. Someone who owns their own mistakes and talks with us about them if mistakes happen with us.

13. Someone who respects our timing and doesn't have a hidden agenda.

14. Someone who doesn't assume we aren't still being victimized. Check that out with us.

15. Someone who doesn't label or categorize us. Let us choose our own labels when we are ready.

16. Someone who does not expect us to throw our survival skill away until we have learned new ones. And when we have learned new skills we will decide which ones to continue to use.

17. Someone who can take care of themselves and won't allow us to be caretakers to them. We can learn from your example about how to take care of ourselves.

18. Someone who can provide us with a safe space to do our healing. Ask us what we need in our physical surroundings.

19. Someone who will own their discomfort with any of our issues, so that we know that it is the issue and not us that you are uncomfortable with.

20. Someone who does not ever shame us.

21. Someone who won't become defensive if we say that we feel like we are being shamed.

22. Someone who does not judge us or our behaviors.

23. Someone who takes notes in a session and doesn't just put down their thoughts or perceptions of what happens.

24. Someone who doesn't try to control our feelings or thoughts.

25. Someone who respectfully confronts game playing and then lets us decide if we want to do anything about it by facilitating exploration of other options.

26. Someone who knows and understands what it means to each of us to be a person who is a victim/survivor.

27. Someone who actively listens to what we are saying.

28. Someone who acknowledges that our healing process is ours.

29. Someone who does not take credit for our work.

30. Someone who will say "You're welcome" when we thank you for your help.

31. Someone who does not make assumptions about us.

32. Someone who allows us to go through "at-peace" phases without assuming that we are fixed or done with our healing.

33. Someone who allows us to "waste" an entire session by. not working on sexual abuse if we need to take a break from the intensity but still need to have contact with you.

34. Someone who acknowledges our spiritual struggles without trying to fix us according to their spiritual beliefs or perceptions.

35. Someone who recognizes our gear of change and can help us to be gentle with ourselves when we are ready to make changes or try new approaches.

36. Someone who doesn't give advice without being asked for it.

37. Someone who can control their own shock and anger about our victimization. Expressing feelings about it is okay, but don't assume we are ready to feel the game way about it just because you are.

38. Someone who will allow us to stop seeing them and help us to find someone else if we feel we can't work with you anymore.

39. Someone who will never become sexual with us. And if you feel those kinds of feelings, you will go deal with them.

40. Someone who has done their own victimization work so that they aren't doing it through us.