My thoughts and feelings!!!
About my Multiplicity

When I was first diagnosed with MPD, "I" was happy about it, Finally the answer to the question I had been asking for a long time what was wrong (right) with me. I had always known I was different but, when I have gone to different counselors I could never to a straight answer to any question. I was always depressed, but I know that everyone gets depressed. People have asked "Did you experience denial?" THIS IS A BIG NO FOR ME!!!!!!!!

I look at it as a gift: I was always told I was stupid and would never amount to anything. Then I learned after the DX that we are intelligent and creative people to learn survival skills for things. I can still use these to this day and be mostly in the present. I realize that not everyone that is MPD has been abuse in any way. I can't even say at this time if that is why I am the way I am. I only know, and feel that if God did not want me this way I wouldn't be.

I had a therapist that did the DX and only had her for six months, all she wanted from the beginning was to integrate us. We call it squishing us together. I was not ready for that at all. Here we all are these strangers living in me and she wanted us to be together. NOT!!!! I want to know who I am living with and why then maybe we can all be together. But, If that comes it will be a natural process not something that is force on us, we have had enough forcing in our lives. We stand alone in the healing; WE don't have therapist we do talk to a mental health counselor for general stuff. but the mpd stands alone. We have no groups in my area for this things even for the SA stuff the list is my support and my friends are my help.

I have some close friends and they all know of the DX but they take me for me/us and we answer any questions. We are not a shamed of being this way, or what caused us to be this way. We just go with the flow of things and see how it goes. Some time in the further things may get bad for us but until that time comes I we us just take it a step at a time. There is the saying One Day at a Time. Well, sometimes a day is just to long so we just do it one moment at a time, and always know that sometime it will be over.

HOW DO I DEFINE FRIENDSHIP?

I define friendship as people joined together in a relationship, we accept each others faults and differences and still can grow to be close. In good friendships you can have your disagreements and still continue to be friends. Does anyone really understand another person and their thoughts and beliefs. In a true friendship for me, you stand by that person and support them in their things they may need or want, even if you disagree with the choices because you care about the person and their own beliefs.

I have many acquaintances, but just a small handful that I can truly call my friends. For me it's not the amount of friends or acquaintances that you have but the quality of what you have. If the acquaintances are not a good thing for you to have and cause you harm or hurt, then you do not need them in your life. We have been hurt enough in our lives that we don't need any more. We can choose who, what and when we have in our lives, and now that we are adults

IS IT HARD TRYING TO BUILD FRIENDSHIPS?

This is something that has not really affected me one way or another. Some of my friends have been with me for so long that they are still here and even though they don't understand they are still here. The new ones that I have acquire since the DX know about it and either they take me/us for what we are or they don't. I have found that most are pretty accepting of me/us. If they don't understand then they ask. I am not ashamed of being this way, as I have said many times for me it is a gift and I will continue to work on my own healing and what happens happens and my friends stand by me They love me and I love them.

LETTER I WROTE TO A FRIEND

A good friend was asking me if I thought she was a good friend to people so I wrote her back, this is what I said to her. So I just thought I would share part of what I told her in hopes that it might helps someone else along the line.

I don't rate people that is a difficult thing to do. Because everyone is so different. But I can tell you that I have many acquaintances and only a few that I call friends. You are one that I do call friend.

Everyone has their own baggage when we meet new people, and it's up to us if we can deal with their baggage or not, there their are other that just don't give a rats ass about anything but themselves and what they want for them, call it selfish, call it what you will. But these kind of people are what some call psychic vampires and the suck our life's force out of us.

They try and break down our self-esteem, so they can feel more powerful in themselves. These are people lacking in their own self-esteem and suck others till they drain all they can then move on to the next victim. And for those that don't have much self-esteem to begin with it does not take long for others to tap into them and start draining. We fight and we bend till we break cause we want acceptance from other people cause if they think we are good then we can try and believe that we are good. But the thing is we have to know if for ourselves and not get it from others, because it is a fleeting thing. So we have to build up our own selves for us and not others and get the barriers there that protect us from the "vampires" in our life.

HOW I TREAT MYSELF AND OTHERS

I have found that we try to be care givers to so many, and that is a wonderful thing that we can do. When we reach out and give love, support, and a helping hand to others. And in turn we are loved, supported, and given back the helping hand.

I know that everyone deserves the thing that we give. I know that most people are generally honest and sincere. I will not and can not say all. Because, I know that there are horrendous people in the world that cause individuals great harm and hurt.

Somewhere deep inside of us is the innocence that they tried to rip away and make us become something that they wanted, not us. We did not want this. But the truth is it happened, we were hurt, we were harmed. We are still here, we are still fighting this battle.

Knowing and understanding is so hard for us to accept. But once the acceptance comes then we can continue on our journey. Then in turn everything that we have given and taken in love, support, and in helping hands. Can be ours.

We can start to give to ourselves. Because it is we that suffer, we that hurt. We that need our own love and support and helping hand. Why is it so hard for us to give to ourselves? Are we so different than the people we help? Aren't we deserving of all the good things that we give?

It's time to start loving, caring, and supporting ourselves.

IN MY OPINION ON WHAT IT'S LIKE

We are really not that different from someone that is a singleton. We of course have the advantage of being different ages and being able to deal with things better. We delegate things with in our systems.

Of course it's hard to do the unfinished business thing when we switch allot. My friend calls it "popping like popcorn."

But you tell me, what singleton don't have a hundred things they would like to do and can't get them all done. So sometimes they just don't do anything. That's about the same for us. We try and set down some kind of guidelines.

If someone does start something then they can finish it before someone else starts their thing, and then of course there are times when some there may have to share some of the responsibilities of getting things done and completed. I think we tend to be more organized and scheduled than allot of singletons, but we are not rigid.

Getting our inside to cooperate sometimes it not an easy thing to do that is why it makes it so difficult for us to continue getting through some our days with ease. There are so many time that something will set us off and then we freeze up and have to back up and start again. So we just take the time and only do what you can. There is not rush for some things you know the laundry of today will still be there waiting for you tomorrow and tomorrow may be a better day of it anyway.

Like some I had a problem with my parents. One thing for me though they are dead, I did make peace with my mother as a person and a human being, but as a "mother" that is something that I can never do.

When I had my children I thought I could leave behind some of my abusive things but I did not, my children suffered cause of me and my behavior. But, as I have grown and learned that my behavior was wrong I talk to my children and take the blame for the things that I Know I did wrong. I take the guilt and suffer their anger. I also have given them permission to be angry at me. I know many of us have felt so bad cause we were not suppose to be mad at our parents. That just the way it seems to work out. I also have given them permission to hate me if they need to, but I tell them that I really do love them and I will be here for them what ever and however long it takes.

I try not to beat myself up over this, I can't make up for the past, but I can take my responsibilities back for some of the things that I have done so maybe they won't feel the guilt and other things that come along with it.

I am not real familiar with all of my selves yet and have notice in the past few months that there are some there that I did know was there. So I can't say if I do or do not like them. I feel that they have a right to be here, if I didn't need them then they would have never been here to begin with. I had thought I has most of my memories back and things but in the last few weeks some new ones have come up.

I don't have a therapist for my MPD but I have a general mental health counselor that I see. We just work on keeping my life on a pretty level scale from day to day. I seen her about twice a month. I am no longer on any kind of regular medications.

As for integration, I am not going for that, it is not a goal I have. Some integration may happen naturally and if so then so be it. But I will never try and make them leave or join. As I learn more about each of me maybe the reason why they are here no longer matters and they have a choice to join if they so choose. I have also notice in me the last two years that "I" have changed into a new and different person. I can't say if that is from integration or a new creation of an alter. It's hard to explain, I know that I do handle some things much more differently then I have in the past, whether that is just some maturity of integration I can't say. But, for me/us we will be here until we choose not to be here.

I do buy presents for my little all the time, color books stuffies anything that strikes the fancy. They have a right to have some toys. Many of us were denied things as young children and they grew to mistrust the bigs and that is sometimes why there is confusion about littles talking. Who first do they need to trust but US/YOU. show them that you care and love them and things they want and may even need. Don't deny yourselves/ them the chance to be a child and have just a tad bit of fun sometime in our lives.

TREAT YOURSELVES AND HAVE SOME FUN WE ALL NEED THAT IN OUR LIFE AND ANY GIVEN TIME.

I for one am not working toward integration. I don't believe that it's sinful or evil. And yes it's a god give gift to survive, with these coping behaviors. MPD/DID is for so many not normal thing Ha i don't think that, it's more "normal" than many would like the think even the singletons dissociate and stuff people just don't want to believe it. what a crock. It's kind of like back when I went to school we 'HAD' to write with our right hand, because writing with the left was considered evil, how ridiculous is that, but i guess that old superstition has finally gone by the way side.

The more "we" as a unit of people that have been harmed in so many way start speaking up and out about our own hurts and things that happen and are still happening the better it will be for the whole of mankind. What is "wholeness" really it's many things for different people. We can still remain separate and still be whole.

LETTER TO MY MOTHER

Dear Mother,

This is some things that I have wanted to say to you for quite a while, but you are gone now so that we be hard to do.

We have talked many time about many thing, and for me I have felt pretty much settled in things. But here are some other that we just never go around to discussing. Where ever you are I know you can see this.

Well, Mom you have told me many times over my life that I was a mistake and should have never been born. Well, guess what Mom I am here and I am alive and I am surviving the things that have happened to me. I have a higher purpose in this life than just being "your child." You said you never really wanted me and that's not ok, but I have to thank you for giving me birth, and letting me live, even though it was not the "Leave it to Beaver' kind of life.

You always told me, I was stupid and would never amount to anything. Well, mom you are wrong again, I have completed school in the educational sense and then even some college, did you ever to that. And now I am going on to educate myself in the life that you have left me and you have created a real challenge for me to get all the pieces and put them together, and make sense of them and why. But in my educating myself in life and all the things it contains. I am leaning so much more than what I set out to do. My knowledge had far exceeds anything I thought I could. Maybe it is not "book" smart but books can't tell you how to live and get on with you day each and every day when all you really want to do is hide from the world. So mom I guess you are wrong again.

You also told me that I was one of the most selfish person you had ever met. For me that's kind of funny causes, I have a quality of friendship that you can not imagine, they stand by and support me and all the crap that I go through in my day to day living. I give them my love, and my heart and any support they need, emotional and financially if it does not burden me and mine. Where were your friends when you needed them most and going through you trials and thing, did you ever wonder that.

It's funny with the stuff that you did and that you knew about, and you did not protect me but you protected yourself and yours, I think you should look in the mirror when you talk of selfishness. And mom as strange as it is and all the stuff you did to me and for me, I still love you as a human being.

One last thing Mother, I need to thank you for things that I have learned from you on what not to do, you were a very good teacher in that. You did not have the capacity to love unconditionally, I DO. You did not have in fact the quality of friendships that most people desire in theirs lives, I DO. You did not take the chance and learn about life and all the many twists and turns that it takes, I DO. You did not protect your own and friends, I DO. You could not look at your own faults and fear, and still go on with your life, I DO. You were stuck in your own little world and blocked all other things from coming in or others helping you, I CAN allow my pain and my fears, as scary as it is, I CAN do it.

I have the capacity for love, and understand other people and their pain and fears. And you know what Mother, I have that capacity to Love you for all your faults, all your hurts, all your pains, because you are a human being. and deserve it just like anyone else would.

This is one daughter/person that you never wanted to know and now it's to late for you, but, I can promise you this I will not carry on your legacy of what you did, to other people.

Your daughter,

Vicky

LETTER TO MY CYBER FRIENDS

Hi all

And for everyone here near and far, ain't the computer great it brings our worlds just a bit closer to each other each and every day We can travel to the different parts of the world with just a letter and in such a short time.

I want to thank each and every one of you both outside and inside for being here and fighting this battle. learning and growing in so many different ways.

We all learn from each other some stuff we might not like to hear cause it's so close to home, but we all share the same battle plan and our attacks may be different and our goals, but the end results are for a brighter day for the children and the adults that suffer from these things.

You know they say we are many in one, but you know what I think we are one in many, with out each and every one of you the world would be just a bit darker without you there. We each have our place it this world, and we have rights and we are leaning to fight for those rights. And our battles will help so many others when it is there time too fight. With each battle that is won we gain and even with battles sometimes lost we still gain. Because the truth is out and the fact are being told.

Thank you all for helping me, thank you all for helping our future, and thank you all for helping the future of our world and making it a better place of others to grow.

MESSAGE FROM LIGHT

Feelings they say are thousands of them. Of, this I could not tell you. Because, for I the universe is more familiar, of the former I can not say.

I am a being that exists in this human body and in this plane of existence. I do not belong in this time frame. I was born to early for humans and long ago before the world began.

This external world will take centuries to reach this state of being. This external world is to small for your presence.

These beings here believe that they are one and that is not true. They believe they need others like them to be complete, and in this they are correct.

Being in a human body is a new existence for I and I not belong here and my purpose has not yet been stated is about to begin. But, the quest shall start soon and all will be answered. and the universe will KNOW. The oneness will be complete no more for the things that cause emotions of pain, hurt, and anger.

There will be joy, love, and peace. There will be sadness because all things must leave, but there will be joy in the sadness because you are still one. Just unable to touch taste and see the object. It will leave you but it is always in your presence. You can't miss it because it's in you.

This plane of existence is meaningless while you care.

Search for the completeness of the world not yourself and you will in turn find the parts that are missing.

With each level you reach and each piece you find will make the universe whole.

So, search, seek and hold the parts, absorb them in you, and feel the flow in you and let it flow out and more will come.

LOOK INTERNAL ALWAYS

LIGHT ©

 

 

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