THE STANCE

My mother was a fanatic about public toilets. As a little girl, she'd bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, never sit on a public toilet seat." And she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. But by this time, I'd have peed down my leg. And we'd go home.

That was a long time ago. I've had lots of experience with public toilets since then, but I'm still not particularly fond of public toilets, especially those with powerful, red-eye sensors. Those toilets know when you want them to flush. They are psychic toilets.

But I always confuse their psychic ability by following my mother's advice and assuming The Stance. The Stance is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one's bladder is especially full. This is most likely to occur after watching a full-length feature film. During the movie pee, it is nearly impossible to hold The Stance. You know what I mean. You drink a two liter cup of Diet Coke, then sit still through a three-hour saga because, for God's sake, even if you didn't wipe or wash your hands in the bathroom, you'd still miss the pivotal part of the movie or the second scene, in which they flash the leading man's naked derriere. So, you cross your legs and you hold it. And you hold it until that first credit rolls and you sprint to the bathroom, about ready to explode all over your internal organs. And at the bathroom, you find a line of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Mel Gibson's underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling politely.

And you finally get closer. You check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is occupied. You hope no one is doing frivolous things behind those stall doors, like blowing her nose or checking the contents of her wallet. Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. You hang your handbag on the door hook, yank down your pants and assume The Stance.

Relief. More relief. Then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold The Stance as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale. To take your mind off it, you reach for the toilet paper. Might as well be ready when you are done. The toilet paper dispenser is empty. Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny napkin you wiped your fingers on after eating buttered popcorn. It would have to do. You crumble it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail. Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work and your pocketbook whams you in the head. "Occupied!" you scream as you reach out for the door, dropping your buttered popcorn napkin in a puddle and falling backward, directly onto the toilet seat. You get up quickly, but it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with all the germs and life forms on the bare seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper, not that there was any, even if you had enough time to. And your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, "You don't know what kind of diseases you could get." And by this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain and then it suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged to China. At that point, you give up. You're finished peeing. You're soaked by the splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a Chicklet wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the sinks with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and unable to smile politely at this point. One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long! as the Mississippi River. You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and say warmly, "Here. You might need this."

At this time, you see your spouse, who has entered, used and exited his bathroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you. "What took you so long?" he asks, annoyed. This is when you kick him sharply in the shin and go home.

This is dedicated to all women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public toilet. And it finally explains to all you men what takes us so long

12 Step Paint Shop Pro Program

1. We admit we are powerless over the need to create graphics and that our life revolves around "making one more graphic before I _______." (insert one: "go to bed, feed the cat, cook supper, go to work...")

2. We believe that a power greater than ourselves exists, and it's name is PaintShop Pro.

3. We have made the decision to turn our lives and what skill we have over, to the care of graphics utilities, that they may help us create that which we cannot do on our own.

4. We have made, and continue to make, a searching and fearless inventory of the web to find copyright free graphics, and also of our computers, that we may delete old graphics to make room for new ones.

5. We admit that we cannot make good, modem friendly, graphics without the help of Gifwizard and L-view Pro.

6. We are entirely ready to let any graphics utilities we can find remove all defects from our graphics.

7. We humbly ask that our computers not crash due to all the graphics stored therein.

8. We have made a list of all the persons who make better graphics than we do and are willing to try and outdo them.

9. We admit our jealousy of those that make better graphics than we do and appeal to them whenever possible to teach us how they did it.

10. We continue to take inventory of our hard drives and web sites and promptly remove any "amateur" ("how could I have thought that was good?") graphics that we find.

11. We seek, through "help files" and source code, to learn every nuance of other's secrets so that we will always be making better graphics.

12. We have had a spiritual awakening as a result of stealing other's ideas. We have tried to help all other novice graphic junkies to make better graphics by sharing our knowledge (but not enough that they make better graphics than us).

There WAS life before the computer

35 Fun things to do When Driving

  1. Have a friend ride in the back seat. Gagged.
  2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Headbang.
  3. Wear snorkel gear and hang fish around from the ceiling.
  4. Two words: Chicken suit.
  5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
  6. Pay the tollfor the car behind you. Watch in rearview mirror as toll collector tries to explain to next driver.
  7. Laugh. Laugh a lot. A whooooole lot.
  8. Stop at the green lights.
  9. Go at the red ones.
  10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
  11. Eat food that requires silverware.
  12. Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers, put sneakers on your hands, and lean the seat back as you drive.
  13. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, suddenly lock your doors.
  14. Honk frequently without motivation.
  15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an offended and angry look as if they gave you an obscene gesture.
  16. At stop lights, ask people if they have any Grey Poupon.
  17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
  18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
  19. Restart your car at every stop light.
  20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rearview mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
  21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
  22. Keep at least five cats in the car.
  23. Squeegee your windshield at every stop.
  24. If an firetruck comes up behind you, pull over, get on the roof of your car, and do a cheer for them as they pass!
  25. Compliment other drivers on their skill and finesse.
  26. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
  27. Stop and collect roadkill.
  28. Stop and pray for roadkill.
  29. Stop and cook roadkill. (If in Tennessee.)
  30. Throw Spam. Tape signs on windows protesting email abuse.
  31. Get in the fast lane and gradually... slow... down... to... a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.
  32. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit. 3
  33. Drive off an exit ramp, ask for directions to the town you're in. When they tell you you're there, look confused, glance at your map, laugh, and exclaim, "Oh! Wrong state!"
  34. Sing without having the radio on.
  35. At stop lights, run out of your car, place pylons around you, then gather them back up as the light changes and drive off...

Top 15 Ways to tell if your from Alabama

  1. You have used the phrase "fixin' to" during the last twelve months.
  2. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.
  3. You've been excused from school because "the crops were ready for harvest."
  4. You can properly pronounce Eufaula, Opelika, Oneonta; as well as Bayou La Batre and Lafayette.
  5. You know that the Iron Bowl is the biggest game of any sport for the entire year.
  6. You know exactly what chitlins and mountain oysters are, and eat them anyway. (Eeewww gross!! I know what they are.. but ain't no way! LOL)
  7. You can recall hot summers by the year they happened easier than you can remember your mother's birthday.
  8. You think that people who complain about the humidity in their states are sissies.
  9. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door but by the availability of shade.
  10. You have owned, as your primary transportation, at least one vehicle that would never be able to pass any form of a safety inspection.
  11. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.
  12. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition and bait all in the same store.
  13. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Chevrolet 4x4 is.
  14. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.
  15. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.

39 things Southerners do NOT say

From the June 15, 1998 edition of the Midland Reporter-Telegram, page B-1. The top things you would NEVER hear a Southerner say ever, no matter how much they've had to drink, no matter how far they've wandered from the South and no matter how much the skunks are threatening...

39. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex."
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
38. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken
35. We don't keep firearms in the house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pick up, it's not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my hair is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and honey.
25. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Deer heads detract from the décor.
21. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than expresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on floppy disk.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Check mate.
8. She's too old to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of Hee-Haw that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
1. Elvis who?

A 12 Step Program on How to install software

1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software on. It should look something like this:

SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS

2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES

Note: This software will not work on your computer.

2. Open the software packaging & remove the manual. This was included to cushion the software during shipment. This manual will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, & trouble shooting the software. THROW IT AWAY.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5 floppy diskette or a CD ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that reads;

LICENSING AGREEMENT

BY BREAKING THIS SEAL, THE USER HEREINAFTER AGREES TO ABIDE BY ALL THE TERMS & CONDITIONS OF THE FOLLOWING AGREEMENT THAT NOBODY EVER READS, AS WELL AS THE GENEVA CONVENTION & THE U.N., THIS WOULD ALSO INCLUDE CHARTER & THE SECRET SERVICE MEMBERSHIP OATH OF THE BENEVOLENT PROTECTIVE ORDER OF THE GRAND POO-BAH & ELKS CLUB & SUCH OTHER TERMS & CONDITIONS, REAL & IMAGINARY, AS THE SOFTWARE COMPANY SHALL DEEM NECESSARY & APPROPRIATE, INCLUDING THE RIGHT TO COME TO THE USER'S HOME & EXAMINE THE USER'S HARD DRIVE, AS WELL AS THE USER'S FALL & SPRING CLOTHES DRAWERS IF WE FEEL LIKE IT, UNTIL DEATH DO US PART, ONE NATION INDIVISIBLE, BY THE DAWN'S EARLY LIGHT,...FINDERS KEEPERS LOSERS WEEPERS, THANK-YOU YOU'VE BEEN A GREAT CROWD, & DON'T FORGET TO TIP YOUR SERVERS.

4. Hand the software to a child between the age of 3 through 12 and say; "Please install this on my computer."

5. Turn the computer on.

6. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software into the appropriate drive, & type "SETUP" & press the ENTER key.

7. Once again type; "SETUP" & press the ENTER key.

8. You will hear a grinding whirring sound for a while after which the following message should appear on your screen:

THIS PROGRAM HAS PERFORMED AN ILLEGAL OPERATION & WILL SHUT DOWN IMMEDIATELY. THIS PROGRAM WILL NOW EXAMINE YOUR SYSTEM TO SEE WHAT WOULD BE THE BEST WAY TO RENDER IT INOPERABLE. IS IT OK WITH YOU BUD? Choose one & be honest:

* YES

* SURE, WHY NOT IT'S PAID FOR

9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding & whirring for a very long time while the installation program does who-knows-what in there. At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories & sub-directories onto your hard drive & fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like; CHOP.EXE, PUREE.EXE & CAPUCHINO.EXE...

10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:

CONGRATULATIONS & WELCOME TO WEBTV!!

The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer & has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software.

If you experience any problems, like; electrical shocks, insomnia, nasal discharge or split ends please contact Customer Service as directed on the box.

A Woman's Work

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes" was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!!!"

All-Purpose Excuse Form

All Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out of the trouble you've gotten in. Whenever there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be!

Dear

a) Mom
b) Dad
c) love of my life
d) Assistant Principal
e) Local Police Chief,

Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your

a) Car
b) House
c) Pet
d) Espresso maker
e) Left arm

was severely damaged by my

a) infantile
b) puerile
c) inept
d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
e) woefully under appreciated prank.

How could I have known that the

a) car
b) jet ski
c) large helium balloon
d) rodent driven sledge
e) Zamboni

I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your

a) house
b) wife
c) Cub Scout troop
d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with lightbulb in the torch
e) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,

you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to

a) imagine
b) fathom
c) comprehend
d) appreciate
e) pay for,

and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to

a) hate me
b) sue me
c) spank me
d) take my firstborn
e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond,

but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joshing around at

a) school
b) work
c) church
d) the bowling alley
e) the municipal jail,

and to remember that I am first and foremost your

a) friend
b) child
c) sibling
d) lease co-signer
e) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.

I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that

a) was so stupid
b) was so silly
c) would have been funny if it worked
d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first
e) I'm going to use again on someone else.

For Dog lovers

The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC:-)

~*~Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

~*~Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

~*~Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

~*~Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyredachs, a puzzling breed

~*~Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog

~*~Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

~*~Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists ~*~

Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

~*~ Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

~*~Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

~*~ Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

~*~Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work

~*~Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

~*~Bull Terrier + Shitzu
Oh, never mind..

Signs that you've had too much of the 90s

  1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
  2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
  3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
  4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
  5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
  6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
  7. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.
  8. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
  9. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
  10. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.
  11. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
  12. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
  13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
  14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
  15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
  16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
  17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
  18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
  19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
  20. You turn off your Modem and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
  21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.
  22. You wake up at 2am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.
  23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
  24. You're reading this.
  25. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else

How to be Annoying

Things You DON'T Want to Overhear On an Airline P.A. System

Top 10 Signs you just changed to the Wrong HMO

10) Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters

9) Directions to your doctor's office include "take a left when you enter the trailer park."

8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter

6) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month

5) The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges

4) The only 100% covered expense is embalming

3) The only item listed under Preventive Care is "eat an apple a day"

2) With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with little M's on them

1) When you fill your prescription for Viagra, you are given a popsicle stick and some duct tape

Dear Bank,

This is long but very amusing; an actual letter sent to a Bank in the US. The bank thought it amusing enough to publish it in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2000, taking as my model the procedures,attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following:

First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, prerecorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate.You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace,and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation, income,debts,assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like> yours. My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automatedvoice. By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided through an extensive set of menus:

1. To make an appointment to see me.

2. To query a missing repayment.

3. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received.

5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping; extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received.

6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature; extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.

7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not home.

8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.

9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 9.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:

"Oh, the banks are made of marble With a guard at every door And the vaults are filled with silver That the miners sweated for"

After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it all by heart.

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost-- a cost that you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.

First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20/page. Enquires from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come free), so you would be well advised to keep your enquires brief and to the point. R

egrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

Your humble client, xxxxx.

Dear Santa,

Dear Santa ~

I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my son's boy scout vest with staples and a glue gun.

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next eighteen years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.

I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dopey dog.

And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pack, the hottest stocking stuffer this year. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-laws' house seem just like mine. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season.

Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would also be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family; or if my oldest didn't look so cute sneaking downstairs to eat contraband ice cream in his pajamas at midnight.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the chimney and come in and dry off by the fire so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always

Mom

P.S. One more thing ... you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in you.

Dr.Seuss Explains Why Computers Sometimes Crash

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,

and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your Window in the trash,

and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,

but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;

then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,

then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

WELL! That certainly clears things up for ME.

4 Management Lessons

Lesson #1:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long? The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped the rabbit and ate it.

Management Learning:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson #2:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, the turkey reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Learning:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson #3:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out. He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Learning:

1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) When you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.

Lesson #4:

The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk". They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So the both rode the donkey! Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

Management Learning:

If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.

Doctor Said
Fishin' Pole
I Luv U
Internet Junkie
Little Johnny
Farm Puter'
CTRL-ALT-DEL
Only one Wish
Bad Hair Day
The Cracked Pot
THE_B.C.
Mighty Midget
Emma's Gift
Country Slang
CRAP_! 
Jesus in the Clouds
Redneck License
Puter Doggie
Kiss Off !
New Technology
Country Applets
The Last Day
Open the Door
Growing old
Virus Alert
Nail the Fence
Only in America
The Newborn
WHat If?
Mom's Helpers
Dear Hubby
Fireman's Doggie
Left Behind
Funny Jokes
I'm in Heaven
Cyber Obituary
I Can Help
I'm Sorry
 Dear Wife
Tranformation
Giggle Giggle
God's Paintings
Grandpa I luv u
Ya' Been Flashed
Beautiful Flower
Puter Tech
Ride'em Cowboy
Barefoot Boy
Please Oh God
Snow Applets
No More Hats
Hit Any Key?
Special Angel
Dear Wife
Senior Chat Room
Broken Puter'
Poor Ol' Joe
Sock Hop
Y2K Midnight
Smile n' be Happy
K. A. Boom
Does Life Stink
Divide em' Up
Are You There ?
WHOA! Cold Nose
Whats Wrong?
Karoke Star
A Snake!
DEck of Cards
LIttle Leroy
Warmth of Love
YMCA Tragedy
Teddy Bears
Snow Applets
Grandparents at Y2K
Computer Death
Crazy Names

child abuse monment

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