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GRIEF
When someone is a victim of child abuse, domestic violence, or sexual assault, that person suffers losses. Those losses may include:
According to Beware the 5 Stages of "Grief", grief is a complicated, multi-dimensional, individual process which may result from any change of circumstance (not only a death of a loved one). Change results in a loss which results in grief. The intensity of the grief depends upon how the loss is perceived. Where the loss is not considered significant, the person suffering that loss may barely feel any grief at all. If there is a significant grief reaction and it goes unresolved, the person can suffer mental, physical and sociological problems and the unresolved grief can contribute to family dysfunction for many years. In the context of recovering from the death of a loved one, After the Funeral states that:
Although a survivor of child abuse, domestic violence or sexual assault may have losses that need to be grieved and healed in a similar fashion, the process is often comlicated by a number of factors. The first of these factors, of course, is repeated trauma. In a home where there is child abuse or domestic violence, a survivor has no opportunity to grieve and heal from one trauma before being confronted by the next trauma. Even is the overt abuse stops, the neglect and other family dysfunction is unlikely to end overnight. The survivor of child abuse is rarely in an environment that is comforting, nurturing and supportive of the healing process. A second complication is a lack of acknowledgment by the survivor or society that he or she has the right to grieve and needs to heal. The wounds of child abuse, domestic violence and sexaul assault are often invisible to others. In addition, the survivor is often too ashamed to talk about what happened to them or how they feel about it. Survivors who are able to talk about often continue to engage in self-blame for how they reacted or did not react, how they responded afterward or for not recovering "fast enough". Yet a third complication is a lack of skills in the area of recognizing and managing feelings that is common among survivors. A child who has grown up in an abusive household is rarely allowed to cry or show anger and thus is unlikely to learn how to name or manage intense feelings. A victim of domestic violence may have learned how to name and manage feelings as a child but knows better than to show a negative response for fear of being punished for "defiance" by the abuser. The habit of "numbing out" is hard to break. When the survivor reaches a place of emotional and physical safety, he or she may begin the process even though it is years after the trauma. In the context of grieving infertility, From Grief to Relief: A Healing Journey states that your unconscious mind and body may be responding to feelings of grief even if your mind is not consciously thinking about the loss. Among the symptoms associated with this grief are lack of energy, headaches, irritability and insomnia. As the survivor begins to recognize and acknowlewledge the loss and honor the grief and pain, any number of reactions may be expected. Some of these are similar to the way that an adult would react to loss. However, for survivors of child abuse, the reactions may include reactions more similar to how a child would react. Children and Grief, Some Normal Grief Reactions for Children and Adolescents and Three Myths of Children's Grief offer insight into the process of grieving for children. Perhaps the most important thing to remember is that what you are feeling is normal and it is a process.
Grief, Loss and Resolution offers some tips for coping with grief:
Naming your losses is one way to create a process for yourself for recognizing the loss, making the often-invisible pain visible to others, and acknowledging your feelings. Participating in a meaningful process to recognize your losses may help you regain your balance and make the transition from who the person you were before the violence to the person you will become.
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