Answers to an Internet Self-Injury Questionnaire

Contents

• 1. Why do you SI? How does it make you feel?
• 2. How do you injure yourself?
• 3. Does it hurt? How can you bear the pain?
• 4. How do you feel before, during, after? how long does a session usually last?
• 5. Do you have a ritual? What is it?
• 6. Do drugs or alcohol play a role?
• 7. How do you feel about stopping, either a session or forever?
• 8. Do you have effective methods for stopping yourself? please describe them.
• 9. Have you ever self-injured in front of anyone?
• 10. Are you out about your self-injury?
• 11. How did people react when you came out as a self-injurer?
• 12. What kinds of attitudes have you encountered when seeking medical help?
• 13. Have you taken medication to control your self-injury? What meds (at what doses) worked best for you?
• 14. have you ever been hospitalized because of self-injury? what were the circumstances?
• 15. What kinds of attitudes have you encountered from therapists?
• 16. what other negative consequences has self-injury had for you?
• 17. Do you suffer from other disorders (anorexia, depression, substance abuse, kleptomania, etc)? if so, what are they? were you abused or severely traumatized?

Why do you SI? How does it make you feel?

I cut myself with razors because the pain in my chest is unbearable. Almost anything can set me off. Most of all, the desire to injure myself comes when I feel like I have failed at something or when I feel as though someone close to me is going to leave me. The need for intimacy in my life is great and although I try to keep everyone at arm's length, when I do let someone in I feel as though I will be hurt. Cutting relieves the pain that nothing else can take away. [female, 32, 17 years SIB, MSW]

I feel it is because I can't handle my emotions very well. When i get really sad or really mad I feel the need to hurt myself to make me feel better. [male, military]

injury gives me focus.....i cannot seem to focus and stop the spinning or emotions/ideas and thoughts (mostly thoughts that i don't want)......si gives me a temporary peace, and it works for any situation. [male, 26, 1 year SIB, some college]

I like the thought that it is ME causing the pain for once, not someone else. [female, 14, <1 year SIB, 9th grade]

i injure myself usually when i feel like things aren't in my control. like when i get into a fight with my boyfriend or i feel like noone cares about me, or if i wasn't invited somewhere with my friends that everyone else was invited. i get this feeling where i have so much energy that i could punch through a wall, and my heart is beating so fast i feel like i could have a heart attack and my breathing feels like its being cut short. [?]

my [first] self-injury occurred during a traumatic relationship i was having at the time. i was infatuated with a man who would act hot-or-cold around me. one night he noticed i had a few dark hairs around my nipples, and teased me about it. after that i began tweezing not only those hairs but every other dark hair i could find on my body. while i would pick at my skin at this time, i would not draw blood. that began happening a couple years later, after i was sexually assaulted by a relative stranger. i think the guilt brought on by that event made me want to hurt myself more. [female, 23, 6 years SIB, BA]

I don't always know why I self-injure. Sometimes it's used as a distraction from the pain or anxiety I'm feeling. Sometimes I use it as a way of saying with my body what I can't say with words. At times there are no words for what is going on inside me. Other times I use self-injury as a way of releasing the anxiety and panic I am feeling. And sometimes I use it as a way of punishing myself for whatever it is at that moment for which I feel I need to be punished. [female, 44, 24 years SIB, BS]

I cannot adequately describe in words my emotional state prior to a cutting. The feelings are overwhelming--usually severe feelings of rejection, self-hatred or anger. Cutting presents a way to make the pain show (and be felt) on the *outside* where I can deal with it. I think it also might give me a diversion from what I am feeling on the inside since by cutting, I feel like I am accomplishing *something* while I am in a situation that I (usually) have little control over (i.e. my boyfriend rejecting me). While I am engaging in SI behavior, I have a cognitive sense that what I am doing is very wrong and sick, yet, I am so distraught, that I don't care. The urge to cut is very strong and with each slash, I feel a sense of relief. I feel very little pain during the cutting, but I do feel some, and I feel better after experiencing it--like I have been rightfully punished for something and life can continue anew. After I have cut myself, I am very ashamed, but I am much less upset emotionally. I associate this kind of behavior with people who are locked away in padded cells, and so it puzzles me that I should engage in it. At the same time, the wounds usually hurt some even after a few days and they are reminders of what I have done. Feeling in touch with the pain hours or days after the process serves as a perpetual reminder that I have *paid my dues*, whatever they may be. (?) The cutting process lasts anywhere from minutes to whole evenings. Many times, I cut some, feel better for awhile, and then repeat the incident several times. I am usually VERY upset during the process and venting of my emotions accompanies the cutting. [female, age 33, SIB since teens, Ph.D.]

I do it for different reasons, depending on what state of mind I am in. I will do it sometimes as a way to get relief from the pain I am feeling inside. Other times I do because at the time I feel I deserve to be punished. And other times I do it to "shout out" to the world that I need help and it is this bad. [female, age 38, 27 years SIB, some college]

1. I feel like a pressure cooker that's going to explode. Cutting and bleeding sufficiently is like letting out the steam. If I do this to my satisfaction, I feel immediate relief, as if injected with valium or something. It helps stop the inner turmoil for a while. 2. To feel real when I feel numb. 3. It becomes an addiction. [female, age 38, 13.5 years SIB]

Because I feel so much internal pain that I need a way to release it all. So by cutting myself, it acts as an outlet for that internal pain, like it's all running out of me, like water out of a tap. [female, age 17, 3 years SIB, HS senior]

Because I hate myself, the way I look. Whenever something in my life goes terribly wrong. It usually happens whenever I am rejected in any way whatsoever. [male, age 26, 12 years SIB, AA degree]

Because it helps me to stop all the turmoil inside my head. I also think that I deserve to hurt because I'm such a horrible person. I don't know why I feel like this, but I do. [female, age 34, 2.5 years SIB, teacher]

Because sometimes it hurts so bad on the inside, it's nice to have something tangent to relate to. There is a weird sort of comfort in having an injury on the outside. It is also a whole lot easier to deal with than crud from the past and present. Before [I feel] out of control -- it's like a obsession I can't get rid of. During [I feel] a sense of satisfaction, control, victory. After [I feel] like dirt. [female, age 37, 23 years SIB, graduate student]

First of all, I pick my skin (face only) and do not cut. I 'think' I do it to smooth things out, make things right, get rid of imperfections (which just causes them), relieve stress, anxiety. [female, age 35, 23 years SIB, AA Telecommunications]

First reason I guess would be to let out the pain. It feels good when you're angry or upset about something and then I cut or inflict some kind of pain on myself. Then since I have been doing it for over 2 years, I do it sometimes because I love how it feels. I feel weird saying it but I do and I sometimes can't stop doing it. [female, age 24, 4 years SIB, some college, CNA/certified EKG tech]

I am full of anger and hurt. I feel like nobody cares. I do it because it is easier for me to hurt myself and deal with my pain then it is to tell someone and hurt their feelings. I would rather be the one hurting. I never want to make someone feel the way people make me feel, so I don't say anything. I keep everything to myself and then it builds up. I explode and then start cutting. [female, age 17, 7 years SIB, HS senior]

I do it because I can't get mad at people, at least on the surface. Any time someone acts mean to me or anything, I just get sad. But it all wells up... and then all of a sudden (the next time I get yelled at/get sad/etc), I just sorta snap. Then I run upstairs as fast as I can and cut until everything goes away. I used to be different, though. I used to just experiment, cut, poke, burn, etc. Now I can't stop myself when I need to do it, but I also can't make myself do it when I don't need to. [female, age 16, 4 years SIB, HS junior taking college classes]

I do it because I can't talk to anyone about how I'm feeling. The night is really bad for me and that is when I have the most problems with hurting myself. I have nightmares about my past when I was in an abusive relationship. I have tried lots of self-help stuff, but some nights I just can't help it. I wish I could tell someone, but I don't think I can. [female, age 21, 5 years SIB, college sophomore]

I do it to stop thinking. The blood, the cutting gives me something else to look at and concentrate on. If I stop then the feelings I'm trying to block out come back. If I do it for long enough then when I'm done that is what I think about. Or the time has passed until I can do something else. In our household we have to be brave. Crying is not allowed my father has a very short temper and if you make noise that will annoy him like crying he gets mad. I'm not incapable of crying I just can't. For my sake, it's best that I don't. I do it to stop thinking so that I have something else to occupy my mind in times of pain. I cry through the blood; my body cries for me. [female, age 18, 2 years SIB, college student]

I do not know why I cut, but it scares the hell out of me. Most of the time I am feeling very rejected or angry or I am seething with self-hatred. I do not cut for attention or to create dramatics. When I engage in this behavior, it is always alone and I have never told anyone about it. [female, age 33, SIB since teens, Ph.D.]

I feel like I'm in control of my life, not everyone else. I have the ULTIMATE control. I don't deserve death, but I don't deserve to be healthy, as I am. I need to feel the pain. [female, SIB since age 26, AA in nursing]

I get bogged down by all my family's problems and wonder why I have to have such a screwed-up life. I start to wonder why I can never make a relationship work, why I have to be the one in my family to succeed, why I have to be the one all alone and nobody to depend on but myself. Self-reliance is good but you can never be totally independent. [?]

I get depressed, I don't know why. If anything goes wrong, at school or at home, if I forget my homework and a teacher shouts at me, if someone doesn't ring me when they said they would, silly stuff really. But after I SI I feel disgusted at myself, I feel as if, no matter how hard I try, I can't do anything right. I first cut when I was 14 after being raped by my geography teacher. [female, age 15, 1 year SIB]

I hate myself, and I would rather have pain on the outside that I can understand, than the pain on the inside that's impossible to even conceive. I just want ppl to read what I've put, and realize that they don't want to end up like me, I'm only 16, I've been doing this for more than half my life, and I don't think I'll ever stop. [female, age 16, 10 years SIB, HS sophomore]

I injure myself to try and calm down; to try and escape the painful memories of my abuse; to try and take control of my emotions; to try and feel safe; to stop the nightmares and daymares; to try and feel. [female, age 23, 17 years SIB, college student]

I love to watch myself bleed, and it relieves stress... it makes me happy. [male, age 14, 2 years SIB]

I really don't know why I injure myself. There is just so much pain in me that I use the knife as a punishment. Sometimes I do it and hope that someone will notice, or care, but I always end up hiding my cuts and scars. I feel so alone in the world like no one cares but I have never done it with the intention to kill myself. Just as an escape, even when I don't have big problems. [female, age 14, 1 year SI, top of class in middle school]

I self-injure because it grounds me and it makes me feel whole. When I injure myself I feel a sense of relief and calmness. Sometimes I do it to punish myself. [female, age 18, 10 years SIB]

I self-injure to relieve the inner pains. On the outside I am sane. After years of silence I have begun to speak out not only for myself, but also for those who do not make it. I have finally found that I am not alone! Damn, I will truly be grateful I am not alone... Healing is coming in small doses. Years of silence and coping skill, of SI, is not the way I want to survive. [female, age 43, 40 years SIB, AA degree]

I usually cut myself when I am upset or frustrated. It used to take a lot to get me to cut myself, but now whenever I even get a little upset, I find myself cutting. [female, age 16, 2 years SIB, HS junior]

I usually injure myself in an effort to get my mind off of terminating my life. In short, injuring myself is the only way I stay alive. [female, age 30, 21 years SIB, college graduate]

It had been six years since I last cut myself and the need to do so has hardly been there. Recently I had a bad reaction to the medication I'm taking (chronic major depression, anxiety and a bit of a personality disorder). Anyway I will be in a situation that seems safe and easy (it's always around people), [and] by the time I leave it I feel so alienated, I have to cut just to feel myself. [female, age 36, 30 years SIB]

It is a way for me to experience physical pain and relieve the mental pain that torments me. I have a tremendous buildup of mental flat spins my head feels like a whirlwind were nothing can stop so I lose contact with organizing my thoughts; I feel euphoric confused dizzy and worthless. During I feel a sense of cloudiness and I get a relief like calm I suppose which makes me stop thinking I have eventually given myself a task which I know I can complete. Everything stops after and I can usually sleep and not feel anything. I don't know how long a session goes for. Like today, the urge started yesterday but I haven't done anything yet. I don't want to but I might have to if I can't sort things again. So I guess the build-up can go for a couple of days; the act only takes a short time, I think. [female, age 36, 10 years SIB]

It is pretty much the only way I can release what I'm feeling... either I'm really angry, or sad, and numb. Before I feel really disconnected from myself, and hurt... during it's kinda like I'm in control of whatever, even though I'm telling myself it's dumb to do this. After I feel ashamed, but I also feel kinda relieved. Really relieved. [female, age 18, HS senior]

It seems to be the only immediate response when I am feeling depressed. Before I feel like the loss of control. After I feel relieved somewhat. [female, age 20, 10 years SIB, college senior]

Most of the times, I didn't even really think that I was. It wasn't until I found this site that I discovered that I did more often than I cared to realize. When I was certain that I was injuring my self I did it because the pain was something that I could understand and deal with. I lock my feelings of self-hate and worthlessness up. I feel like I am a sick and nasty little girl and I try and hide it from the world. When I start to loose control of the perfect person that I try and portray then I slash myself. Not just little cuts but the kind that you see things: fat cell, tendons, and bones. [female, age 29, 10 years SIB, Junior with honors at a University]

Reasons differ, but usually it's to deal with emotional pain. I also do it because it makes me forget about everything else. Before I feel lost, depressed, and over-whelmed. During I forget about everything and concentrate on the task at hand. Afterwards I feel like a total failure, a freak, an outcast. [female, age 15, 2 years SIB, HS freshman with 3.9 GPA]

So that I don't cry. Sometimes it is to make myself cry because I don't feel real. The physical pain takes away the emotional pain. I need control over any pain I'm experiencing. [female, age 27, 16 years SIB]

Sometimes I do it just to see my blood and know that I am still alive. Other times I do it to relieve the pressure and desperation that build up inside. Occasionally I have used it manipulatively to just [get] affection and caring, but it usually doesn't work. The sense of emotional relief after a cut is overwhelming. And scary. [female, age 18, 4 years SIB, HS senior]

The physical pain helps me to deal with the emotional pain. [female, age 21, 14 years SIB, 2 years of college]

The reasons have changed and continue to change. Initially, terrible anxiety when I was a kid led me to do something drastic to get someone's attention. I first self-injured when I was 12 and in a mental hospital for severe depression. I learned it from the people around me. I had been suicidal (no attempts) but got the idea of self-injury from the other patients. Later periods of SI had to do with self-hatred, guilt and punishment, gaining a sense of control when my emotions were out of control, celebration sometimes (how sick is that?), simple relief from tension. [female, age 39, 27 years SIB off and on, BA]

There isn't really a "why." It's not something I think about versus something I just do. If I thought before I acted, I probably wouldn't hurt myself so much. I just suppose it's a mixture of everything that's confusing me. All of the emotions are like soldiers in a battlefield and it's everyone for themselves. It's not my choice how I feel until I control it, which I do by cutting myself. Or, I could just say that it's a biochemical imbalance. [After a session], I feel like the crazy, out-of-control freak I was before I started hurting myself. [female, age 13, 3 years SIB, middle school]

This is hard. No one knows but my boyfriend and he makes me feel bad about it. He doesn't realize I can't control it. I need to do it or my whole body stays tense and the anger builds inside me. I only do it when my world seems to be spinning out of my control. I grab the sharpest thing next to me and cut. I have learn to hide it better because my boyfriend looks for marks now. If I can't find anything I usually bang my head or hit or pick a fresh wound. I do feel calm afterwards but so ashamed. What if people find out? [female, age 20, 8 years SIB, college sophomore]

To calm me down and to make all my worries disappear. But often I just end up feeling drained and tired. [female (bi who dresses as a man), age 19, 5 years SIB, first-year university student]

To keep from feeling the need to commit suicide. To free me from the pain on the inside and get it to the outside. To make visible the pain that is on the inside. To make me feel the pain on the exterior. To get a feeling of numbness all over. [female, age 35, three years of college]

To punish myself for being a bad person. To feel the pain that is inside physically. To see my pain and show to myself it is real. To injure myself and cause myself harm. To show to myself that no one else can hurt me more than I can myself. I never had anything that terrible happen to me and my childhood problems are minor so don't understand why I feel I have to self-harm. Never been explained by a psychiatrist. Never had a diagnosis. Told I'm not mentally ill and that is all. [female, age 28, 3 years SIB]

Before, it feels like there is this great big something welling up inside of me; you know that adrenaline rush feeling that you get in the core of your chest sometimes? and you know how you are almost choking and gagging on something deep inside of your throat when you know it is time to cry and you can't? and how you get all jittery with too much caffeine in you and you try to sit still and your muscles quiver and your hands shake? Well, [before cutting I feel] kind of like a combination of those with some other weird and undescribable element lurking in the background somewhere. During, I don't feel anything. I look and it begins to come out of me and I let it; I make it. After, I'm most always mad at myself, and really self-conscious. But immediately after I feel relieved of that really restless, desperately restless, feeling. [female, age 17, hs senior ranked first in class]

I usually have some strong emotion. There is a sense of doing something about what I am feeling. Making the feeling go away is as important as it being gone. Afterwards, I feel tired, physically and emotionally, as though there is nothing left in me. [male, age 30, 15 yrs SIB, Master's in statistics]

I feel really comforted [by it], as though I am squeezing the hurt from me in the poisoned blood. After, I am upset that I let myself lose Control. [female, age 21, 6 yrs SIB, college senior]

I'd rather feel that pain [from cutting] than the pain i don't understand. [unspecified]

In learning to stop it, I first had to take in the idea that I did not deserve to be hurt. And I also had to develop a certain amount of willingness to try. This was a very difficult thing, to fight voices telling me I was no good and deserved to be hurt. My therapist and others working with me figured out that each time just before I dissociated or burned, I would be about to experience some strong feeling, fear, sadness or most commonly anger. They got this by asking me to try to remember what I was thinking of just before I dissociated (one example: I was thinking that my priest had not come to visit me. When I thought about what the next thought would be, it was something like "I'm really mad at him for not coming to see me." But because I was unable or too afraid to express negative feelings or any strong feelings, I would then take these feelings out on myself.) [female, 30s, 20 yrs SIB, M.Ed.]

It hurts a lot, but that makes me feel something and that is better than feeling numb. [female, age 28, 2 yrs SIB, Master's student]

Usually the behavior accompanies extreme stress -- I went through periods of self-abuse during my mother's divorce from her abusive husband (who abused her and me) when I was in high school, during a bad sexual relationship, and just recently again in relationship with the discovery that my son has a major disability. [female, age 38, 20+ yrs SIB, graduate degree]

It feels like an addiction, and I just white-knuckle thru the desire. [female, age 38, 30 yrs SIB, 16 yrs education]

[I have] feelings of depression, hopelessness, and desire to die when I start cutting. I don't cut myself to try to die. The first time I cut myself I was trying to kill myself; that is how I discovered the "positive" effects of cutting. [male, age 17, 3 yrs SIB, college sophomore]

I feel like there's something terrible inside me that I have to get out any way that I can. I think that's part of the reason why I have to bleed. Afterwards I feel cleansed. I feel like whatever was crushing me before has been removed. I feel calm and in control. [male, age 20, 2 yrs SIB, college sophomore]

Enraged, sad, lonely, stupid, worthless, irrational, crazy. I can't stand what I think because I sound like such a whiner, so self-involved. During I feel very focused and full of anticipation. I purposely hold my breath as I cut and let it out when I'm through, so I breathe out as the blood runs out. I feel so calm. All the noise and stupidity in my head is gone, I feel like I'm floating... I feel stupid because I feel like I don't have a reason to do it. That's why I keep it to myself. [female, age 15, 1 yr SIB, HS]

Personally, I think cutting is a way of releasing emotions for people like me who have a lot of trouble with crying and expressive emotional things like that [note: i connected to this, because i cut when i can't cry, and have often thought of the intertwining symbolism of the saltiness of tears and blood]. I personally find I'll cut if I'm feeling empty inside...cutting is a simple way of feeling real and checking if you can still feel. [male, 19]

For me cutting is a coping mechanism. It's not something I'm proud of, but it's something that gets me by when things get too heavy to deal with. It's a very stressful experience at the time but it does help me get back in control of myself albeit with having the embarrassment factor the next day. [male, age 22, 4 yrs SIB, college degree]

Before and during, I feel numb, dissociated, guilty, crazy, sick, and driven....After, usually defeated and disgusted with myself, frustrated and sad. Once or twice I felt relief after, but usually not. [female, age 36]

I'm not physically abused, but I get any self-esteem or sense of self-worth I might have (god forbid!) developed ripped to shreds by my parents on a regular basis. There's a sort of internal pressure; like I can only keep the mask on for so long, be obedient and meek and perfect for so long before I think I'll explode. [female, age 16, 2 years SIB, high school junior on academic track]

Before I start, I feel an overwhelming sense of anger that I have to release. I feel like I need to punish myself because I'm a bad person. Why else would my father (who died) and my boyfriend (who broke up with me) leave me all alone? During, the anger is still there, but less intense. After, I feel "calm." I feel like I have punished myself sufficiently, and I'm satisfied. I'm afraid to tell anyone at work because I'm a teacher and I'm afraid they would think that I'd hurt one of the children. They would not understand and think I'm crazy. {female, 31, 16 years SIB, B.S.]

I feel like I'm going out of control. I have so much anger and hurt inside me that I don't know what to do with. During an episode I start to feel relieved from all my tension and stress and it seems like I'm almost in a trance and don't really notice the things around me. It's really strange. [female, age 18, 3 years SIB, college freshman]

It is very hard to describe. I liken it to a heroin addict in desperate need of a hit. Nothing else matters. Tunnel-vision sets in. Your heart-rate is bounding, I get the shakes, I cannot focus on anything until I have a razor in my hand and have marked the first cut. The pain causes me to flinch and gasp, but the more I do it, the calmer I become. [female, age 26, college student]

I feel sometimes numb, but usually I am enraged about something. After I admire my work and am proud of myself. My cuttings symbolize certain things, which I like. I love looking at my scars. They are an important part of me that I know will always be with me even if nothing else is. [female, age 18, 5 years SIB, premed student]

It's like a volcano inside me. The lava pushes, pushes and has to get out, otherwise I explode. So then I do it. During I think mostly of the pain. [When] the volcano is calm, I keep thinking what a sick person I am that does these things. I remember one time, when a teacher hugged me. I really didn't want her to do anything else, and I wish she'd hold me longer, but when I came home that day, I slashed myself seven times in the arm. I don't know why, but it just made my inner explode. I didn't know anyone in the whole world did this until I read this page. [female, age 19, first in class in secondary school]

Sometimes I do it because I don't feel...Alive. Sometimes I just feel out of control. All the hurt and confusion, the loss and emotional pain, is transferred into something I can control, and feel. [female. age 19, 6 years SIB, college student]

I feel like "Now they'll know by God! Surely they can see how much pain I'm in now." I also feel anger and hatred while I'm doing it. Usually just at the whole world. Afterwards I tend to think "Well, I hope this works." Of course it never does because no one ever finds out how the cut really got there. [female, age 24, B.A.]

I had many reasons for being a cutter:
let me know that I owned my own body and no one is going to hurt it
it released inner pains temporarily
self-hate
low self-image
lost
being victim of extreme abuse
being victim of torture
being victim of sadistic sexual abuse
being a cutter released a lot of pain I had within. [male, late 30s, filmmaker]

I feel lost, inadequate, incompetent, inapt, unworthy. I wish this would go away. [female, age 44, 30+ years SIB, PharmD]

One time I simply came out of the shower and life was just confusing me and I grabbed a bottle of peroxide and a razor blade and sat in front of the t.v. I carved a big peace sign and a cross into my left ankle. I just kept going over the signs to make the cut deeper. I think I just like to see myself bleed, maybe to me it's just like all the anger and hate and confusion is pouring out of me. But I don't think people who just see others that do this should judge and think that we crave attention cause we don't, it's just our own way of dealing with our anger, confusion, hate, etc. [female, age 14, two years SIB, high school student]

I feel like I'm going to explode: pressure builds up inside me, can't breathe, get a roaring in my head, everything too loud with lots of talking and yelling at me. Fight in me about hurting myself. Only way to stop it is to actually do something to myself. I wind up and then wind down, keep hitting harder and harder and harder until the stuff in my head stops then I can stop. Afterwards for awhile at least it is quiet, pressure is gone, don't feel like I'm going to throw up. Then I'm ashamed of myself. [female, age 40, 27 years SIB, JD]

I pretty much become emotionless. It feels like I don't need anyone or anything but the razor (or whatever I'm using). When I cut myself, I do not feel a release or anything. I just wonder why I can't stop. After, I feel stupid. I start crying, and I usually punch or slap myself in the face. I then feel alone, depressed, helpless, and hopeless. I've never been treated for my injuries. I won't allow it. I'd rather bleed to death. [female, age 16, 4 years SIB]

TOC

2. How do you injure yourself? How do you injure yourself?

Like I said, picking my lips, my cuticles, any cuts or scrapes I may have gotten. When I was 14 or 15, I cut myself; I used to carve things on the side of my arm. It was never very deep though. I never had the guts to do it so it would scar. I also used to "slit" my wrists. The reason that this is in quotes is because I never wanted to kill myself; I only wanted people to think I tried so they would give me attention. This rarely worked. no one really cared. [female, age 23, 15 years SIB, 1 yr. of college]

Run my fingers across my face/skin, feeling for bumps, roughness, imperfections to smooth out by scraping, picking at the skin/place with my fingernails. At home, I go to the bathroom mirror and use tweezers to pull at scabs, remove them. [female, age 35, 23 years SIB, AA Telecommunications]

I slam my hands/arms against something cement with corners until i hear something crack and I am convinced I've broken a bone. These sessions sometimes take 3-5 hours. I have never failed to break a bone. [female, age 22, 9 years of SIB, B.A. degree]

[With] cuts, mostly on my feet, especially my ankle, because it's hard against the bone and I don't have to work terribly hard. It's on my ankle, so it's not too hard to hide. [male, minor, academic track in high school]

Razor blades. I tried Swiss Army Knives at first, but they were too much pain for too little blood, if you know what I mean....I just pick a spot, remove any clothing over it, and slice away....It hurts like a cast-iron bitch, to be perfectly frank. [male, 17, 2 years of SIB, academic track in high school]

I pull my hair until the point becomes obvious... the roots that are red..vs black..are brittle..not pliant and that is what I am searching for...as the red tip sometimes have little feelers growing from the bulb..and there is a definite glowing throb deep inside the area the root just left. [female, 30s, HS education]

I hit concrete walls until my hands are black and blue, and so swollen that I cannot write or do anything with them. But it's a good feeling, the pain, because I focus on that, and not the pain in my heart... all of the problems that I can never get worked out go away, even if just until the pain in my hands wears off. [?]

Once I burned myself with my curling iron. Another time I cut lines down my face that looked like tears and a couple of times when I didn't have a razor I stabbed myself with a very sharp pencil. [female, 20, 7 years of SIB, college junior]

I usually burn myself by heating the metal of a lighter and placing it against my skin. I used to cut myself but it is very addicting so I have promised myself I won't cut myself anymore. [female, 27, 9 years of SIB, college senior]

Beatings with fists, belts, wire hangers to bruising and welting. Head banging or hitting. [?]

Mostly I hit myself with a wooden spoon or stick for a long time, usually a number of times, like I will think/say 100 hits. I have burned myself and used electricity to shock myself. [male, 31, 19 years of SIB, B.S.]

By placing caustic chemicals on my skin, then closing my eyes and seeing how long I can stand it. [female, 32, 3 yrs SIB, B.S.]

Knitting Iron inside belly (navel or other). Scalpel (opened navel and took out bowels, a bit). Air inside the belly with home made trocar. Screwdrivers and other into and through the abdomen. Lot of other small injure on the abdomen. To hide S-I is sometimes quite hard, but I have been quite lucky till now. Normally I prepare some emergency escape (like a larger pseudo accidental wound). [male, age 35, 25 years SIB]

I really loved punching in glass, I lived in a house with four other girls and every time I would get angry I would punch a window. I was evicted from so many places I finally had to leave the community. I punched walls, too, until I had black and blue hands. I was diagnosed with manic-depression/BPD. All this started after I was raped in the military. I'm not sure if my behavior resulted from that or my dysfunctional family. I know my story isn't as awful as the others [but] I kind of know where they are a little, and the pain they're going through: will this ever end or is it a way to feel better because constant crisis was the way we grew up? [female, age 23, 2 years SIB, some college]

I like to get blunt objects, like tweezers, and use them to dig into my skin. I also use steel wool to scrape off large areas of skin at a time. I like to experiment with different ways, but I usually come back to steel wool. Sure [I feel pain], but that's the whole point. [female, age 19, 9 years SIB, college freshman]

I use a needle. I don't have access to razor blades or anything like that, so I jam the needle down as far as I can, and then move it back and forth until I have a long cut on my finger. I repeat this until I've slashed up both my hands. I almost want someone to notice, to ask me what happened, but I'm so much of a loner that no one's ever even noticed. I wonder if people DID notice, if they would care. [female, age 19, 8 years SIB, college freshman]

I cut with a craft knife. I tie off my right arm as if I was shooting up and wait for the veins to come up and then cut with a fresh blade, the snap-off type of craft knife always around the same place...the blood wells up and I love it so...then I lick the blood, so good. Usually 4 or five cuts...I just love everything about it, the feel of the blade the blood the colour the taste, even the sound of the edge going in. I have also done a lot of picking scabs to stop them healing. The scars endure. I love scars. [female, age 28, 14 years SIB, master's degree]

I have not injured myself in close to two years yet the life that I must lead in an effort to not cut myself is hellish to say the very least. My therapist who I've seen for almost three years put the limit on me; if I cut then she won't see me so that is really the only reason why I hold back. I used to cut with scissors, knives or scratch myself with my fingernails. [female, age 19]

Others reported rubbing dirt or noxious substances into wounds, injecting themselves with household cleaners, and one women even stated that she had inserted a large knife into her vagina and hurt herself badly enough to require emergency medical attention to stop the hemorrhaging.

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3. Does it hurt? How can you bear the pain?

Pain is what keeps you coming back for more. It's like sometimes when you're just walking down the street, and you trip? That sudden jolt of reality is all you need to snap you back to life. Well with me, I would live all day in a daze, and one swipe of the razor, and I was alive again.[female, 18, 5 years SIB, senior in high school]

Yes--in actuality I hate the feeling of the blade in my wrist. But the physical pain is nothing compared to the emotional pain.[female, 14, <1 year SIB, secondary student]

I don't always feel pain while I'm cutting. If I am tremendously angry or upset, my body goes numb from the emotions. I can't feel anything. But most of the time I feel pain. It's the pain that makes me feel better. The pain that gives me that release.[female, 16, 4 years SIB, high school sophomore]

Absolutely, at times. Sometimes the pain FEELS good; sometimes it hurts and makes me want to stop. Most of the time it's a surreal type of pain that allows the pain I feel inside to come out. [female, age 36, 30 years SIB]

Anyone who says they don't feel pain is either lying, or really numb. Of course I feel pain. It's the body's natural reaction to let me know that I'm in danger, and to move away, or stop doing what I'm doing. That's probably why I continue. [female, age 13, 3 years SIB, middle school]

Not really. I'm sure if someone else was doing it to me, I'd feel it, but when I'm doing it it's a way to numb out all pain and I'm not even aware of the pain I'm inflicting on my skin until it's all over. [female, age 33, 23 years SIB, BA in Human services]

Not when I am actually making the cut. I just kind of feel this overwhelming peacefulness and silence. It hurts a little bit after, but it's a good kind of pain--like a memory of something I did that made me proud. [female, 18, 5 years SIB, secondary school honor student]

Not really. I feel SOMETHING; I can feel the blade, but it doesn't hurt. Sometimes that scares me; I'll look at what I've done, and wonder why it didn't hurt. A couple of times, I've felt absolutely NOTHING physically. It hurts the next day; like a "cutting hangover," and then it hurts to the point I can't stand it until it heals.[female, 19, 2 years SIB, college student]

[i feel pain] sometimes. when i am calm. i tend to cut slowly then. but when i lose it, become overcome with adrenaline. i feel like i am under remote control. i scream and cry and jump and stamp and shout and start punching walls. i try to keep shouting in my head not the fucking scalpel, but it doesn't work...i go back and forth but every time i give up.[male, 17, 9 years SIB, 12 years education]

sometimes i feel pain, but it will usually be later in a "session," after i already feel guilty about the act. usually by that point i stop because i become anxious about the cutting. [female, age 23, 6 years SIB, BA]

[I] never [feel it] until all the pain inside has vanished. Then [I feel] a slight sting. [female, age 20, 8 years SIB, college sophomore]

moderate [pain]....but the more pain....the better rush of peace.[male, 26, 1 year SIB, some college]

I have never felt any physical pain stronger than the emotional pain that I live with. Pain -- in my eyes, I am not supposed to feel it. When I was little and I would get hit or bashed, or bruised, pain there is unclear, but after that I stopped feeling it. I cut my leg and just look at it, but feel no pain. Sometimes it's scary. I mostly feel numb. My boyfriend didn't believe me that i couldn't feel pain so he poked my arm with a broken guitar string, (which they happen to be a little sharp). He poked it in my arm and i did nothing and he kept pushing and the string popped through and popped out the other side. He just stood there stunned.[female, 20, 12 years SIB, some college]

I used to feel pain in the beginning but now I feel none. There is so much concentration in the act that I don't think about the pain, I block it out. I think if I considered it I would feel pain but I don't. [female, age 18, 2 years SIB, college student]

It hurts when I first do it and when I am watching myself do it but after a while it feels good and I can feel the "release". I just watch the blood for a while then I wrap it up and act like nothing has happened. [female, age 18, 4 years SIB, HS senior]

No. I grit my teeth and do it. Whatever I choose. If I start to feel the pain, I just grit my teeth and proceed. There is no physical pain that can compare to the emotional hell that I feel. [female, age 29, 10 years SIB, Junior with honors at a university]

Not at first. When I begin to feel the pain, it's almost as if I finally realize that I am alive and have any feelings at all. That's when I stop . . . when I begin to feel ANYTHING. [female, age 34, 2.5 years SIB, teacher]

Not pain, no. Not the same as pain that is not self-imposed. I think I'd use the word satisfaction more than pain. I don't want to die, I know that. [female, age 27, 19 years SIB, 1 yr. college]

Pain? Yes, only not like someone telling you something bad or deliberately hurting you. It's unexplainable right now...ANGER yeah anger fear misplacement a cry for help but no pain. [female, age 21, HS graduate]

Sometimes it hurts, but it's a good hurt. Sometimes I don't feel anything; I just see the blood and see myself doing it. It's almost like an out of body experience. [female, age 22, 2 years SIB, special education teacher]

When I'm actually doing it I don't feel any pain; I feel excited when I see the blood and I feel relieved when I feel the warmth of it pouring down my skin in a soothing river. I don't usually feel pain until the next day when my clothing touches it; sometimes when I clean it I feel pain but it never lasts more then thirty seconds or so. [female, age 23, 17 years SIB, college student]

Yes and no. I can't dig the knife into my arm or anything; that does hurt. But when I am doing it, the pain that does happen almost feels good, unless it turns into *too* much pain. But, then again, pain doesn't bother me too much at anytime. [female, age 16, 4 years SIB, HS junior taking college classes]

Yes and no. It is a different sensation. I usually don't feel the pain until the next day...while I am doing it there's just this bored interest in watching myself bleed...maybe I feel I might as well bleed physically the way I do emotionally. [female, age 22, 19 years SIB, 5 years college/high school honor student]

Yes, and if I don't, I get upset, often repeating the act again and again until one of the cuts bleeds a lot and looks like it will scar. Very rarely do I just say, "It doesn't hurt", and give up. [female, age 18, 4 years SIB, HS honor graduate, college freshman]

Yes, but not as much as "normal" people would. I feel pain, but it doesn't hurt. You know? [male, age 14, 2 years SIB]

Yes, that's the point. But its not like hurt pain, it's more of a soothing pain it calms me down makes me feel better. [male, age 26, 12 years SIB, AA degree]

No, not really. I am so angry that my physical pain is engulfed by my emotional pain. People have seen it and asked me, I have explained but no-one understands. Once I was so angry, I started to cut my wrist in lunch break at school. [male, age 17, 4 months SIB, 12 years education]

I enjoy it. It's a stinging pain, not harsh, that let more blood than I expected. It's very soothing; it calmed me when I was going hysterical. It took my emotions and made them concrete -- something that I could physically drain from my body. [female, 16 yrs, 6 months SIB, sophomore in HS]

I think I become so fascinated with it that the pain is the last thing on my mind. Truthfully, I enjoy it way too much. . . . A lot of times I don't want to stop and have to make myself. [female, age 19, 6 yrs SIB, jr in college]

When I burn myself, it is very very painful, but I have complete control of the pain. I can remove the cigarette whenever I want. [Sometimes] everything else in the room seems to disappear as if i were floating in an ocean. [female, age 19, 4 yrs SIB, college student]

Not pain of the cut itself....I concentrate on the pain of my life, which fills my mind. I don't feel the cut until later. [female, age 16, 2 yrs SIB, HS sophomore]

Yes, but it takes away the emotional pain for a while and it takes away all the black inside. [female, age 22, 8 yrs SIB]

I feel pain, but it's minimal. It doesn't bother me at all, I guess I kind of like it, but not like I get off on it. I feel like it just comes with the territory, I suppose to the extent that I need the pain (such as it is) as part of the SI ritual--if it didn't hurt at least some I wouldn't do it. [female, age 16, 2 yrs SIB, HS senior]

If I do feel pain, I think that I deserve it. [female, age 32, 24 yrs SIB, Master's student]

I feel pain but it doesn't affect me at all. I focus on the goodness of cutting and the feeling it gives me. [female, age 16, 9 months SIB, 8th grade]

I feel no physical pain only emotional pain. At times I feel as if I deserve what I am doing to myself. Maybe because I've let family or friends down or my grades aren't good enough and that I'm not good enough to be alive. [female, age 17, university freshman]

Sort of... though I get disappointed when the pain ebbs and I am left with only a warm feeling around that area (my pain threshold is rather high) and when even that warmth fades... [female, age 19, 2+ yrs SIB, university student]

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4.how do you feel before, during, after? how long does a session usually last?

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5. Do you have rituals for SI?

I have patterns. If it is daytime and I am alone in the house and I am just using scissors I sit at the top of the stairs where I can look out the window and all the way down the street. If it is daytime and I am alone in the house and I am using a blade on my arm I will sit at the kitchen desk looking into the back garden. If it is night after everyone has gone to bed and I am doing my arm I'll do it in front of the TV (so no one hears). I always do my leg in the bathroom; I never do it at night. I never cut when there is some one else awake in the house. The fear of discovery is crippling. [female, age 23, 5 years SIB (some at age 8, though), four years of college]

I don't have a ritual, self-injurious behavior is a last resort for me. It's usually not premeditated and I don't know I'll do it until I have the knife against my skin. When I was young, it was one of the first solutions to come to mind. Now that I'm an 'adult,' I feel I should be more responsible and in control of my impulsivity. [female, 25, 20 years SIB, college degree]

I usually get all my supplies: razor, towel (so blood does not get on the furniture). I then lay down on the sofa and begin. There are certain words that are carved into my stomach, and I recarve those words. After that is done, if I feel the need to do more I will just cut straight lines until I feel the wounds are just about to warrant medical attention. [female, 25, 1 year SIB, M.S.]

I don't really have a ritual, I don't think. I have to be alone, in a closed room, dimly lit, possibly listening to calm, or enraging music. I usually sit on the floor in a corner, and even though I know noone can hear me, I stay as quiet as possible. [female, 20, 8 years SIB, some college]

I get my "blood rag." It's an old white shirt that I drape over my lap and rest my arm on so that I don't get blood all over my clothes. I make a couple "test cuts" to get myself into it; lines/slashes that aren't very long, but sometimes a little deep. Then I carve a word, usually whatever word I am feeling about myself ("bad," "poor," etc.). I might carve a symbol like a cross to show my despair even in God. And also maybe a name or initials of a person (could be a celebrity, could be someone I've known) that I really admire, and is important to me. I don't mean that as an insult to them, though. I can't stop a cutting session easily; I have to make sure the words/letters are legible and equally deep. [female, 19, 3 years SIB, college freshman/honors student]

It sounds weird, but I used to have to cut sitting on my desk chair, with a pink razor. Only pink... I dont know why, but I thought it was bad luck to use any other color. [female, 18, 5 years SIB, high school senior]

I keep a supply of gauze pads, tape, and antibiotic cream. I take them (and the razor blade) out first and lay them on my night table. The lights are low and I sit and think about what I'm about to do for a minute or so. I then start cutting, sometimes little cuts at first and then the larger ones. After I'm finished, I clean off the blood, usually put on the antibiotic and put a piece of gauze over it, and go to bed. [female, 40, 6 years SIB, college degree]

i begin very carefully, as if "this time" i won't let the urges to do a lot of damage overtake me. i go to the bathroom and close the door. my breathing gets very quiet. i examine myself very carefully and decide where i will pick or tweeze. gradually i will agree (with myself) to use implements or break the skin; eventually i start looking for scabs, hairs, freckles, or other areas i can "attack." afterwords, when i feel ashamed, i will put alcohol on the wounds to deaden the pain with the burning sensation, or apply moisturizer which seems to lessen the overt bleeding. [female, 23, 6 years SIB, BA]

I close myself up in the bathroom and find the razor where i hide it. I sit down and started cutting on my wrist and once i feel i have cut myself enough i pour alcohol over it until the pain starts to go away. I usually put a bandage on it and go on with whatever it was i was doing before. [female, 31, <1 year SIB, 10th-grade education]

I close all the shades to my room, light candles on my bed, and incense (which I burn myself with, too), rub my arm with alcohol, and cut away while I'm listening to Enigma. [female, 16, 1 year SIB, high school]

I make a prayer to my friends and those that I love most dearly and then kiss my rings, my razor and then start to cut. [male, age 16, 6 months SIB]

Yes, I used to have a ritual. I used to set out everything I ever used, like a selection of weapons at a duel. It almost always happens late at night. I am almost always in my bed. [female, age 17, 5 yrs SIB, HS senior]

I place my wrists under hot running water to reveal the veins. I then retreat to my bedroom for privacy. I start to cut vertical slits on my left wrist, usually four or five. I work each slit until it bleeds, then I suck the blood from the site. This usually stops the bleeding and quenches my taste for blood, which i acquired about a year ago. Then I wrap the wrist with gauze and sit back and enjoy the rush. [female, age 19, 3 yrs SIB, one year college]

I go to the bathroom and close the door. I look in the mirror and think about how much I hate myself, and how ugly I am. I start usually with my face or arms, then move to my breasts and abdomen, then to my upper legs. Sometimes when I think about God, I stop. [female, 29, 6 years SIB, health-care professional]

Every time I injure, I prepare for it during the day, I always injure after midnight, and I always go to the same geographical location to do it. [male, 20, 8 yrs SIB]

With the cutting I have a particular towel I use to catch the blood. I also have wet and dry paper towels handy for when i want to stop and I always lie on my bed to do it. [female, age 42, 29 years SIB, HS education]

I become fascinated with the amount of blood coming out of me, and the amazing colors. [female, 29 yrs, ?]

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6. do drugs or alcohol play a role?

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7. How do you feel about stopping, either a session or forever?

I'm not sure. It's like crying; you just eventually stop. [female, age 27, 16 years SIB]

As soon as the blood appears our world stops for the moment. [female, age 46]

Sometimes three years seems like yesterday and sometimes it seems like forever. Sometimes I look back and it's like I was a totally different person altogether. I think the hardest part for me was learning to forgive myself and stop taking on the guilt and responsibility of my abusers. I had to learn to treat myself good and take care of myself. Forgiveness helped me see myself... well... as at least tolerable at that time. Now I know there are other ways to let the hurt out and other ways to feel the hurt... I just needed someone to teach me... I was blessed to find an excellent therapist and she did just that. [female, age 28, 10 years SIB, Master's degree]

I am usually VERY upset during the process and venting of my emotions accompanies the cutting. Most of the time, I do not quit until I am exhausted both emotionally, and physically. [female, age 33, SIB since teens, Ph.D.]

I know it's time to stop when I can realistically see how much I'm going to hate myself for doing this the next day. I also stop when I have so many cuts that I can't possibly continue cutting unless I go over all the marks again. [female, age 13, 3 years SIB, middle school]

As for stopping myself, well, a description of how I pulled myself out of the Valley is very long and complex and contains lots of mystical revelation and inner exploration-type things; I read a book on the subject, and discovered that the self-mutilation, bulimia, and kleptomania had a fundamental root in sexual abuse I experienced as a child. Once I figured this out, I started working on stopping it. In the most basic sense, I finally stopped when I learned how to love myself again. I do have slight recurrences, and often have to fight the urge when particularly stressed out. [female, age 25, college degree]

I am currently "in recovery" and haven't cut in five months. What worked for me was declaring my bed a safety zone - I would not allow myself to cut if I was on my bed. [female, age 28, 2 yrs SIB]

Prozac -- 80 mg./day worked best. 120 made me too jumpy; <80 didn't do anything. [female, age 33, 23 years SIB, BA in human services]

I find that calling someone and being able to have the freedom to vent helps. Sometimes I will write my feelings down on paper speaking as I choose without pressure. [female, age 38, 27 years SIB, some college]

I haven't injured myself for almost 8 years now but when I get the urge these days I look at the state of my arm and all the awkward moments I've had trying to account for the scars when people ask what happened to my arm... I don't want to draw any more attention to them in case people start to think I'm not all there. [?]

I try to clean, if that doesn't work I try to write the pain away by putting it on paper but if that does not work I turn to the blade. [?]

It may sound silly but I find that playing with and talking to my dog helps. [female, age 18, 4 years SIB, HS valedictorian]

I've already collected a number of lasting scars on various parts of my body, and whenever I look at them and start to think, "You know you wanna do it", I just stop myself and say "No, I don't". There are times when I hate it and find it terribly embarrassing. It's almost reached the point of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde; Jekyll thought he could divide the good and the bad up with no real repercussions, but pretty soon, the bad started to rear his head with more frequency, took Jekyll over, and eventually led him to both his and Hyde's demise. I don't want that to happen to me. female, age 18, 4 years SIB, HS honor graduate, college freshman]

No I just stop or I look at my scars and think about how I will have them forever and how they make me ashamed of myself and how I would feel if my friends did it! [female, age 17, 2 years SIB, taking HS and college classes]

No, it is just delaying the inevitable. The idea of stopping for good terrifies me. I don't know what I would do without that release. I'm afraid I'll go back to abusing alcohol (too messy) food (too shame-filled) or pot (too numbing) so until I can deal with why I am hell bent on my own destruction - the cutting is best coping mechanism I have. [female, age 23, 5 years SIB (some at age 8, though), four years of college]

I do a lot of things... some sound really stupid. I do practical things like eat healthy and get needed rest. Sometimes I write poems, stories, or sketch because they take a lot of concentration and also express the emotions. Sometimes I will do a lot of physical exercise that is really intense-- I focus it on the area that I want to SM. Like if I am preoccupied with wanting to SM my legs, I run up a steep hill because I can feel both pain and heat in my legs. I hold onto ice-cubes for as long as I can because I feel pain and heat in my entire arm. I also try to make sure that I am not alone by being with a friend that is aware of the situation or just by being out in a public place. Sometimes I walk around Wal-Mart in the middle of the night if I have to. [female, age 28, 10 years SIB, Master's degree]

Taking a brisk walk. Shower, eat, scream; hey, I have a ton of lists... It is applying the techniques that takes lots of talk therapy. [female, age 43, 40 years SIB, AA degree]

Yes, I stop and think and tell myself to STOP not to do anything. It works for me. Not all the time, but sometimes when I'm not so bad off. [female, age 21, 5 years SIB, college sophomore]

Yes, my therapists do not play a role in stopping me, but I can make myself stop with the help of my parents. Now when I feel the need to cut, I call one of them to wherever I am, and they get me through it. Sometimes it feels like a need to have a hit off of a crack pipe, even with one of them in my presence the feeling gets so intense and aggravating. [female, age 22, 2 years SIB, 3 years college]

I don't want to stop. I want to stop. I better stop soon! [female, age 22, 9 yrs SIB, B.A.]

Trying to force you to stop with threats is stupid, threats are what trigger the actions. Sometimes after so many cuts I use sandpaper to scrub away the evidence. [female, age 24, 8 yrs SIB after a sexual attack at age 16, 6 years of college]

If you know someone who hurts themselves, leave them the hell alone. Let them deal with it themselves, because that's what most of us want. If you tell us we are idiots for doing it, that's just another reason to. [female, age 14, 1 yr SIB, in 8th grade]

It's not common sense or I wouldn't have started. I suppose [I stop a session] when I feel I have suffered enough or I get tired of doing it. [male, age 34, advanced degrees]

I started cutting within the last year when the strangling didn't seem to be punishing enough. I started strangling about four years ago when the effort of hiding what I was from the public became too great. I used to leave the table at my own dinner parties to go strangle myself so I could continue to function. When I strangle myself I know it's enough when I lose my balance and start to convulse. When I bleed I know it's enough when the blood drips down my arm. [female, age 46, Ph.D.]

Once this got triggered while I was in a restaurant, and I was able to stop it by tearing the napkin into shreds. Sometimes I can distract myself with another activity, but it has to be something that doesn't allow me to judge my performance, or I'll feel worse, e.g. reading is good, practicing a musical instrument is bad. Getting really drunk helps, but not always. Once I passed out from trying to get enough alcohol in me to stop. [female, age 23, 5 yrs SIB, university student]

It's very scary sometimes when I realise that what started as a means of keeping control is now very out of control. I've tried to stop cutting and I can't. This is my last shot at my degree and I have to stay with it... I'm not sure if I can. [male, age 21, 3 yrs SIB, university student]

To stop myself, I try to read some supportive letters from my friends, although they sometimes make me feel worse. sometimes I call hotlines for self-mutilation or suicide, but they can be really mean. I read books, I look at the moon. but I can never write poetry. if I try to stave it that way, it always ends up worse. [female, age 17, 5 yrs SIB, HS senior]

I just realized now that I will probably lose friends and important people because of this. They'll think I'm psycho and be scared of me. [female, age 16, 3 yrs SIB, HS junior]

To stop [a session] I often switch to something less invasive to tire myself out (switching from cutting to throwing myself against a wall until I've had enough). Never been to a therapist about it -- afraid to tell them. [female, age 21, many years of SIB, in third year of college]

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8. Do you have effective methods for stopping yourself? please describe them.

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9. Have you ever self-injured in front of anyone?

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10. Are you out about your self-injury?

Yes I know ppl that do it! Yes, I hide it. I just don't tell if anyone asks. Like in the psych ward I threaten to strip down and let them see that there are no marks and then they are so convinced by my willingness to cooperate that they don't ask any farther. [female, age 17, 2 years SIB, taking HS and college classes]

Yes, my friends know, my teachers know, and my parents know. Yes I know other people who do this... I'm in therapy, but I wish it was still a secret... it would be more effective for me if I didn't have to worry about other people's reactions [female, age 16, 1 year SIB, HS junior]

I hide from others with long sleeves. . . . I often want to stand on top of the world and shout, "Look at me. Look at this. I am ugly. Look at this." I guess that's my equivalent to giving the finger. [female, age 17, 1 month SIB, college student]

No. I am so in the closet about it I'm in Narnia itself. I don't tell anyone because a) People will look at me differently and b) it's really embarrassing. [female, age 25, college degree]

I don't flaunt it. It is not a fashion accessory and it doesn't make me cool. I have a guy I know who used to and he's the only one who doesn't give me shit about it. [female, age 20, 6 yrs SIB, college junior]

I am "out" to some extent. My family knows I do it, but they don't know when I do it, unless I get caught.... Like if my husband notices I seem to be hiding from him while changing clothes, or wearing long sleeves on a hot day. I've also been open about this to people in support groups that have nothing to do with self-injury. This is a part of me. I used to hide that part of my arm with an elastic brace and pass it off as an old injury that bothers me every now and then. My arm is full of scars, but I wear T-shirts more now and I don't care as much if anyone asks me about it. They can either accept me the way I am, or not. Last summer was the last time I o.d.'d. I ended up having to go to a hospital. I knew about a program for people who have been sexually abused, so I said I wanted to go there after they stabilized me. I could relate to just about everyone there. I'd say 85% of the patients had cuts on their arms. If I noticed this with someone I was talking to, I used to say, "I see we both belong to the same club". I try to make light of things to feel better. [female, age 38, 13.5 years SIB]

My family is aware of my history, but they believe it ended 2 1/2 years ago. I am a master at hiding it now. Only wish I could hide the anger within me as well. [female, age 35, 27 years SIB, HS graduate (top 10%)]

I am not "out" about my self-injury. I hide it by wearing pants and long skirts and long sleeves. I do not go swimming, and I never wear shorts. I am very afraid of my cuts being found. . . . I really have no desire to end my self-injury; I enjoy the sense of calm afterwards. I do wish that I didn't "need" to do it. My only fear is discovery and persecution. [female, age 21, 13 yrs SIB, college student]

I have a habit of looking at people's wrists to see if they have been slashed. I can't count the number of women with scars on their arms that I have seen, but I haven't seen any men with self self-inflicted injuries (except me). [male, age 21, 6 yrs SIB]

I hide my scars as well as I can. Unfortunately, some are difficult to hide, like on my hands. I generally lie about those scars. I know some people wonder about my stories. [female, age 20, 5 yrs SIB, three yrs of college]

If someone does notice the marks or scars they are quite willing to believe any lie, no matter how badly told or conceived, you wish to tell them. [female, age 21, college sr]

I remember one episode in which a friend found me with my shirt off, blood smeared on my arms and chest, kneeling in my driveway. He nearly took me to the hospital, he was so scared. [male, age 16, 2 yrs SIB, hs/college combo]

I never go out and tell people I've cut myself, but if they ask (which never happens), I usually tell the truth. My mum usually finds out. She can tell when I'm hiding something. [female, age 19, 6 yrs SIB]

I always make mine look like accidents cause I don't want anyone to know. [female, age 24, 10 yrs SIB, Master's student]

Most of my friends know about it, but since I have to watch out for my parents and/or teachers (who just don't understand!) I usually do my best to cover it up with long sleeves. Sometimes I cut my stomach or my legs and I don't even need to cover it. [ female, age 16, 2 yrs SIB, HS sophomore]

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11. How did people react when you came out as a self-injurer?

People have asked me about it, and I gave them the shortened summary of why, and they look disgusted and call me names. [male, age 14, 2 years SIB]

When I tell people they usually try to be empathetic, but it is usually obvious that they are filled with confusion, morbid thoughts and images. All I know to tell them is that it helps me. In a sick way, It helps me. Too, I feel with me that it has become an addiction of sorts. The cravings for self-harm can be just as bad as a craving for a drug. [female, age 38, 27 years SIB, some college]

I got into a fight with my mother when I asked her if I could see a psychiatrist. She said, "You have to tell me why." So I told her that the scars on my arms weren't from my cat. She asked if they were "needle tracks from using heroin." Now let me tell you, when you are asking for help and someone accuses you of using drugs, it just makes you feel worse. So I yelled and screamed at her and told her what it was. Then she agreed to get me help. [female, age 17, 7 years SIB, HS senior]

A few months after I told my mom about my cutting, she always had this grudge with me about it. She always made me cover it up when people came over the house, sometimes I really didn't care if people would ask about it because I can always lie about it and they would believe the lie. My mom told me once that if I ever cut myself again that she would kick my a$$. That really hurt my feelings because it's just like an addiction. It's like being an alcoholic, it's hard not to take that sip of beer that made you became an alcoholic... it's hard to stop cutting, it really is. [female, age 16, 9 months SIB, 8th grade]

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12. What kinds of attitudes have you encountered when seeking medical help?

At first, I was always going to the ER and the doctors were often angry and retributive about it. They would ask if I was suicidal, and then seem disgusted when I said no. A lot of times they sent me to the psych ward. Dealing with the reactions of doctors was one of the worst aspects of living with this problem for me -- it traumatized me quite a bit. It seems to bring out the worst in lots of people, but doctors especially, and psychiatrists more especially. [female, age 39, 27 years SIB off and on, BA]

Many times [I've been] medically treated. Been stitched and stapled without anaesthetic. Had steri-strips on deep cuts that immediately came open and were then left. Been told off. Been told I was wasting people's time. Been told I was lying when I went back after the stitches came undone. Have been met with "oh, my god!" when seeing my legs. Been lectured once how I shouldn't have done it. Avoid hospitals if at all possible although some individuals have been very good to me. [female, age 28, 3 years SIB]

Mostly I will take care of my own injuries. I hate hospitals. When I go to a hospital for something else they look at my arm and give me a bad attitude like I'm crazy or something. Or they whisk me away to another hospital for mental problems. [female, age 24, 4 years SIB, some college, CNA/certified EKG tech]

Yes many times. I'd have to say around ten times. Of course several have [been angry/abusive] - that's when they sew you up without a shot to deaden first. Like you deserve more pain [because you] do that to yourself. Wish there were more understanding and help out in the real world. [female, age 39, 12 years SIB, 12 years education]

Yes, twice. Yes the doctor gave me 20 stitches without anesthetic. [female, age 27, 16 years SIB]

YES-- twice at a hospital and many times at the doctor's office. My personal physician is great. She had had previous experience working with it and has definitely been an asset to my recovery. The first hospital went ballistic and wanted to put me in a state psych hospital and ridiculed me for being so stupid. When I went through drug rehab I probably had my most serious act of SM. That staff freaked out at first but one of them believed me and was helpful. I ended up in a hospital this time due to massive infection from a large third-degree burn on my arm. The doctor didn't freak... He was just blunt... Before he treated me, he asked me if I planned on doing it again. If so, he wasn't going to treat it... but if not then he would. I said that I couldn't promise but I would try as best I could. From then on, he treated me like any other patient. I think I needed his honesty. He told me that he might have to take my arm and he didn't blame me or be sarcastic. He saved my arm and I have only used SM once since then and I stopped myself just after I started. [female, age 28, 10 years SIB, Master's degree]

That night the [doctor on call] knew me. I had already been there earlier in the day after cutting my mid- and upper abdominal area with a razor blade. There had been a change in shift but the nurses told him I was seen earlier by the other doctor. I wouldn't have gone in for the wrist except I was sitting in my car at a park and someone reported me to the police and they came and called the medics. When this doctor came in I was holding the gauze on my wrist applying pressure. He jerked it off, took one look at it, and threw the gauze back in my lap and said, "I don't have time for this shit! I will come back later." He stormed out. A few minutes later the nurse came in and yelled at me because I didn't have the gauze on my wrist. I tried explaining it was the Dr.'s fault but it didn't go over really well. He came back in about 45 min later. He said, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that but I am so busy I don't have time for things like this especially when it's intentional." I just sat there because I couldn't do anything else with the police right outside my room. Believe me I am a lot more careful now![female, age 30, 2 yrs SIB, associate's degree]

I have been treated 5 times, 2 of which were very serious. I only had one doctor who was really rude to me, but almost all of the nurses acted like I was a waste of time. [male, 16, 4 years of SIB, HS graduate]

Oh yeah, I have had to go to the ER for cutting too deep with glass, and the nurses and doctors there acted very strange and mad. I do not cut or burn for sympathy, I do not want sympathy from anyone, and I just want to be treated for my injuries and left the hell alone. [female, age 22, 2 years SIB, 3 years college]

We have been stitched up a few times and doctors have definitely pulled attitude. We learned very quickly that if we do need medical help we contact our therapist first so the ER doctors don't admit us to the Mental Health unit automatically. We also depend on tape stitches a lot. [female, age 46]

I was treated for cuts on my arms before I was admitted to the psych ward. This has happened twice. I had walked into busy traffic and had open cuts on my arms. They treated me at the ER for the cuts... and yes the doctor pulled attitude. He told me that what I did was completely stupid and uncool. He didn't understand at all. He just kept saying over and over how uncool my cutting was. He told me to get a tattoo. I laughed. [female, age 19, 5 years SIB, AA degree]

I was taken into a clinic one time, and the doctors were extremely rude. This one grabbed me by the arm and started asking me what all the symbols I had carved into myself meant. Then he started lecturing me. [female, age 19, 3 years SIB, college sophomore]

Yes, [I've been treated by] 3 doctors [and received] anger, indifference, lack of compassion; some treated me as if I were a nut case. [unspecified]

I had seven stitches put in my wrist. The nurse who took out the stitches was very kind until she saw where the cut was and all the scars around it. After that she was very terse and impersonal. [male, 21, 6 years of SIB, B.A.]

The doctor was very angry and stitched my wrist with no anesthesia. It was like he wanted to teach me a lesson, but instead he taught me that I could withstand even more pain than I thought. I stared him in the face and refused to flinch. [female, 32, 24 years of SIB, 2 years of college]

Yeah, drs have looked at me as if I'm a freak. My extherapist did not get it, she said I should just stop. [female, age 31, 23 yrs SIB, college dropout]

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13. Have you taken medication to control your self-injury? What meds (at what doses) worked best for you?

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14. Have you been hospitalized for SI? Did it help?

No. I was hospitalized for suicide, though. I didn't attempt it, though they thought I was because I ran away and said I didn't want to live with my family! I hate that place I still have nightmares about it and I am terrified of going back I hyperventilate at the thought of the hospital. [female, age 17, 2 years SIB, taking HS and college classes]

Yes, [for] cutting and all it did was make it worse b/c no one knows what the hell they're doing. We self-cutters are on a different level; we are real, not fake, and we go to extremes to feel real. Other people just don't have the guts to [understand] because they are weak and stupid, very stupid [. . .] You can change your stupidity; it's just most people are too lazy. I think I suffer from non-understanding and if people would listen to people all of these disorders would be eliminated. Talking and understanding is the only way, not meds or ignorant doctors, nurses or therapists. Was I abused? Yes, severely as some might say, [but] I feel like well, it just never is gonna go away in my head. I just guess I will work on it, all of it, in due time. [female, age 24, 5 years SIB, three years of college]

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15. What kinds of attitudes have you encountered from therapists?

The therapist I had for three years wouldn't deal with it; she would just frown and ask me if there wasn't something else I could do instead. So I started drinking. [female, age 23, 5 years SIB (some at age 8, though), four years of college]

The first time I cut myself, I called my therapist because I was scared that I couldn't/wouldn't stop. She seemed ok and calm with the situation that night. I always had difficulty expressing myself and I was totally intimidated by her, so for me to even call her and admit to my foolishness was a big step for me. Unfortunately, she "dumped" me the next evening by saying that she couldn't give me the help she felt I needed. I now know that she was somewhat panic-stricken, but I felt even more worthless than ever... I'M SO SCREWED UP THAT EVEN A THERAPIST CAN'T HELP ME! I still feel that she was a coward about the whole thing. [female, age 34, 2.5 years SIB, teacher]

I almost lost my first [psychotherapist]. She tried to use my cutting as a boundary. She told me if I cut again she would not see me anymore. She did not see me for a few weeks till I called feeling very out of control. It was out of her frustration with me. [female, age 27, 3 years SIB, BS]

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16. What have been the consequences of your SI?

It hurts. My scalp is so sore it hurts to comb my hair. I am embarrassed about it and wonder if other people notice my constant unconscious picking. [female, 34, 16 years SIB, BS]

scars, hatred of myself. people reacting with disgust or saying it is fucking cool, how sick is that. one guy even came up to me the day after he found out saying, look man, i cut myself last night, innit cool? i was mortified. i was straight home that lunch so fucking angry..... most lads think it is cool and treat me as some kind of fucking fashion accessory. girls either react with disgust or disgust thinly disguised with a layer of sympathy. [male, 17, 9 years SIB, 12 years education]

Sometimes the self-injury has made me feel even worse about myself than I already do. I also feel ashamed that it is a part of my many different psychological records. And my therapist is always VERY negative about my doing this. [female, 44, 24 years SIB, BS]

i distance myself from any one that gets too close and might find out. everyone takes it as me being stuck up, boyfriends, friends, relatives...if i didn't have my horses i think i would be completely crazy. [female, 20, 6 years SIB, college student]

I've been put on probation at work. I've lost friends at work. I have to check in every single day with my supervisor telling her I've taken my meds and I'm okay to work. (is that legal???) I feel like I stand out in the work place because I have 1 director and 4 other supervisors that know about my problem (because they've had meetings on me when I wasn't there). I'm scared that when I look for a new job which I'm currently doing they're going to tell others I SI... [female, 20, 7 years SIB, some college]

i feel some of my friendships are strained because I do need to talk a lot about it and some of my friends being only 16 don't know how to cope. Also, those peeps who i don't talk to about it feel as if I don't trust them enough which sometimes causes friction. Also, I have promise my friends so many times that I wouldn't do it again but i do and i come in in bandages and then lie to them about y I'm wearing bandages and they know I'm lying to them about it. Also, it has driven a wall between me and my mum because she gets so upset and I feel so uncomfortable talking to her about this because i can't explain it! Oh and I have been turned down for three modelling assignments because of the scars on my arms which made me cut myself even more. [female, 16, 6 years SIB, studying for A-levels]

my parents have seen it a few times and questioned me, my brother jokingly brought it up. i wanted to curl up in a hole and die. i hate being confronted about it, i hate being questioned, i hate ignorance. [?]

My kids are embarrassed by my scars, even though they have at best a vague idea that I caused them myself. (They're 9, 6 and 3.) I can't relax in public in short sleeves or bathing suit. My husband says every time I do it, I'm hurting him. I've lost a lot of time I could have spent constructively. I have to put so much effort into concealing the facts. It makes me feel closer in an emotional sense to death. When I'm not self-injuring, I want to stop self-injuring. Somehow the roots of the practice go down to shame and fear, and the shame and fear OF shame and fear. My heart goes out to all of you crying your silent tears. [female, age 39, 27 years SIB off and on, BA]

Awful scars, avoidance of certain events when I know that I won't be able to hide scars (changing in the locker room, etc.) Intimate relationships because of the scars. [female, age 34, 2.5 years SIB, teacher]

Fear of intimacy. Poor body image. Celibacy for over six years. I feel helpless and doomed into a solitary life of shame. [female, age 33, 23 years SIB, BA in human services]

...Feel ashamed and embarrassed at my erratic behavior once I come to my senses. Makes me withdraw and keeps me from social activities. [female, age 30, 15 years SIB, in college]

Feeling guilty that I can't tell someone so I can get some help. I don't want to keep doing this to myself. But I can't express my feelings like normal people. But then again what is normal? [female, age 21, 5 years SIB, college sophomore]

Losing friends -- I have one the rest are afraid of me. They think I'm psycho... oh well. No big loss; I don't like the people here anyway. [female, age 16, 1 year SIB, HS junior]

I am embarrassed to NOT wear lipstick, I am ashamed of the condition of my fingers, I don't like to show off my engagement ring, because I don't want people to see my fingers. I have told my fiance that I want help, I want to know why I do this, and I want to stop. It's absurd [female, age 23, 15 years SIB, 1 yr. of college]

I lost most of the feeling in my left hand. I have no control over my left pinky and ring finger. One of my worst episodes I cut the tendons to these fingers. But mostly just emotional distress. [male, age 26, 12 years SIB, AA degree]

I had to quit my job that I had worked at for three years after word got around about my hospitalization; I was treated like a piece of shit by most of the people there; they refused to speak to me, made up stories of how they had seen me cut my wrists open, told each new employee their rendition of my behavior, followed me around and told management whenever I went into any stockrooms. It got to the point that I would come home from work crying and angry and wanting to cut myself so bad that I could no longer stand it; I figured it was better to leave there alive then be dead when I left. [female, age 23, 17 years SIB, college student]

I tend not to go out with my friends. I always wear long sleeved tops so I don't really play sports. I have stopped going outside at break times at school; I go into the toilets and SI or make myself sick. [female, age 15, 1 year SIB]

It is a constant struggle to hide the scars and bruises. I cannot allow anyone to see them but it is very difficult. I can never wear a prom dress, swimming suit, or even a T-shirt . . . Because of the reactions of my friends and therapists, I have been conditioned to believe that SI is evil, and therefore I am evil. I am in a constant battle [between] what people tell me and what I feel. Because I feel that others think I am evil and that I hurt them when I hurt myself, I need to do it even more. [female, age 18, 4 years SIB, HS valedictorian]

It's basically ruined my life. It's killed all possibilities of me ever getting into a relationship with another. I wish I were not the way I am, but there is nothing I can do about it now. I have the scars, and they are clearly visible. They cover most of my body, and remind me every day of who I am. But it does not stop me from doing it again when I forget and leave myself in an unsafe place. This secret of mine, Id love to forget, but what will happen to me if I did not have it? I don't know. I started cutting when I was 9. At that time I did it to test myself on courage. It was to prove to myself that if the time came and it was time to end my life, I would not be afraid of the pain. But, it soothed me from the inner pain, and from then on became my last resort to end inner pain. [...] After all these years of injuring myself, I am sorry I ever started it. I don't like the constant reminders of what it was that caused me to do this. Seeing what I have done to myself hurts inside. Knowing that I still do it reminds me that this is who I am, and this is who I will be till the day I accidentally bleed to death. [female, age 30, 21 years SIB, college graduate]

It's embarrassing and it makes me feel ashamed of myself. At one point recently, I missed a month of three of my college courses because I was so utterly depressed and frustrated with my life situation. female, age 18, 4 years SIB, HS honor graduate, college freshman]

I've lost friends and been seen as "the psycho". I missed a good chunk of my childhood as well. [female, age 13, 3 years SIB, middle school]

I've never been able to be in a loving home because people have feared my self-injurious behaviors. I've never allowed people to get close to me. [female, age 18, 10 years SIB]

Just the guilt and shame... but if I'm gonna feel guilt and shame I would rather at least have done something... rather than feel it because all the sick people in the world (or it seemed like all of them) felt like they had to abuse me... molest me... rape me.... Not all my scars are from me... am I trying to even the score? Maybe.... [female, age 22, 19 years SIB, 5 years college/high school honor student]

A loss of a good marriage was probably the biggest consequence I suffered. The hospitalizations were running us broke and I didn't want to take him down with me. We divorced, but at least have remained together. [female, age 38, 27 years SIB, some college]

[Consequences have been] extended family and friends finding out and dealing with their attitudes towards me. It seems that mostly people don't want to be educated to understand. They would rather sit in judgment in their ignorance. I don't always trust myself. Often my thoughts scare me. I feel like doing things that I know I don't really want to do. I don't have good coping skills. I don't know how to handle or control these thoughts, so they don't become acted upon. I "self talk", a lot. That doesn't always help. Sometimes, taking my usual meds helps. My arm looks horrible. I have thought of having some kind of Dermabrasion done to get rid of the scars when I was not cutting, but my psychiatrist advised against it. He said that if I were to start cutting again, on a 'clean slate', I would feel worse. These behaviors scare my family. I think it also embarrasses them that I am sick or not normal, especially because of the hospitalizations and stigma. This angers my husband severely. He would come to the hospital so my daughter could see me, and yell at me the whole time. If my therapist calls me in response to an emergency phone call, even if I haven't acted on anything yet, but didn't think I could control my thoughts, he gets really angry with me and treats me differently for weeks. This makes me feel like maybe I shouldn't ask for help. The overdosing tends to frustrate and anger my therapist to the point of where he threatens me with hospitalization. I don't feel this is always necessary. Sometimes I think he could help me by talking some sense into me over the phone. [female. Age 38, 13.5 years SIB]

[I felt] a deep anger and hate for a lot of people around me, because no one seemed to care or understand me, which caused me to become unpopular at school. But in a way it was good, because I found out who my real friends are. [female, age 17, 3 years SIB, HS senior]

I have many scars that I am afraid others will see. Because I've told others and they have treated me like an outcast, I find myself slowly pulling away from everyone. I feel afraid to let people into my life. [female, age 15, 2 years SIB, HS freshman with 3.9 GPA]

It upsets my boyfriend I think. Last time I self-injured it was in his presence. He appeared shocked as if he couldn't understand why someone would do that. We did not discuss the self-injury the next day in detail, but he did tell me that he would not stand idly by and watch me destroy myself, nor would he stay awake all night to ensure that I kept breathing all night. He did not directly tell me he would leave me, but he hinted strongly that he could not take further episodes. [female, age 27, 19 years SIB, 1 yr. college]

Lies to people I am not sure were believed. My daughter (16 years old) saw the ones that totally covered my arm by accident. I told her I could not explain but was not suicidal. The look in her eyes was definitely a negative for me. Sometimes afterwards I feel bad about myself because I did it and I feel that only seriously mentally ill people would do this. I isolate myself from friendships because I don't want to be close enough to anyone to have them notice all my "accidents." [female, age 39, 26 years off-and-on SIB, BS, same job for 15 years]

Lost a really good paying job. They thought I should go on temp disability. Temp my butt. [female, age 39, 12 years SIB, 12 years education]

Made me feel ashamed of myself, like there was something wrong with me for doing this. [female, age 42, 27 years SIB, college degree]

My husband has told me point blank that if I am ever hospitalized again for anything even medical, he will leave and make damn sure I never see my kids again. He has money, I do not. [female, age 35, 27 years SIB, HS graduate (top 10%)]

My parents screaming at me about it, my mother constantly being upset about it, having to wear long sleeves all the time, people not talking to me, people giving me strange looks sometimes and making comments like, "Oh, I'm sad, so I'm just going to go cut a big hole in my arm!!" One time my mom was yelling at my brother about something, and he said to her "well at least I don't burn holes in my hand!!" [female, age 16, 4 years SIB, HS junior taking college classes]

My stress related shoulder, neck and back pain is back. I stopped seeing my physiotherapist because I didn't want her to see the marks or be aware of the frequency of fresh ones. I hate lying to my parents, they have been so good to me and I don't want to hurt them, but either way I am. [female, age 23, 5 years SIB (some at age 8, though), four years of college]

Part of negative consequences that led to losing registered nursing license. [female, SIB since age 26, AA in nursing]

People don't like it. It scares them away. [female, age 21, 14 years SIB, 2 years of college]

People don't want to know why. It affects relationships quite badly, especially if you can't or won't talk to your partner. It creates confusion and a desire to assist from some people who you simply don't want to assist you. What you want is support, not a lecture [female, age 36, 10 years SIB]

People pick on me about it and I feel even more alienated. [male, age 14, 2 years SIB]

Permanent damage to nerves (my doctor calls it "phantom pain"), visible scars. I have to be over-cautious at work. I lost friends. I lost a relationship. Medical expenses. [female, age 28, 10 years SIB, Master's degree]

SI has made it even more difficult to deal with self-confidence. We do not use SI as a means of attempted suicide but most people feel that is what it is. [female, age 46]

The clothing I can wear. Trying to answer questions I don't feel comfortable with. My husband can't stand this part of me. [female, age 37, 23 years SIB, graduate student]

The scars are awful to look at. I can't wear sleeveless tops or go swimming. When it's hot I take my T-shirt off and have to be very careful in case someone comes in and sees my arms. [female (bi who dresses as a man), age 19, 5 years SIB, first-year university student]

Well everyone in my small town I live in thinks I am nuts. Self-mutilation is a mystery to those who do not understand the hurt mentally some of us go through daily. But the biggest disappointment for me was and is having to see the sadness in my mothers eyes, she also feels hopeless when I hurt myself. If it were not for my mother I would not care who hurt emotionally from my behaviors. [female, age 22, 2 years SIB, 3 years college]

When people discover what it really is, they get mad at me. I can't control what I do. It has become such a coping skill for me that I don't know any other way of dealing with things. Other people just make me feel worse about myself. [female, age 17, 7 years SIB, HS senior]

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17. Do you suffer from other disorders (anorexia, depression, substance abuse, kleptomania, etc)? if so, what are they? were you abused or severely traumatized?