Identifying Anger

Survivors in recovery often hear about "anger"....dealing with the anger of others which can be frightening or trigger flashbacks to past abuse, learning to identify and give themselves permission to feel their own anger, and learning to manage their own anger are all common issues in therapy.

Anger is an essential component of the healing process...For the survivor, anger is the healthy response to the violation of sexual abuse, and its expression creates a powerful positive energy. The adult survivor needs to learn what anger is and how she can experience and express this human emotion without it getting out of control and harming others or herself.... At the time of  the abuse, the child may have been unable to experience her anger or to express it. Anger left unexpressed is like an inner poison; it will fester, grow into rage and be directed indiscriminately. For many survivors, this anger is directed inward -- at the child part of them they have blamed for the abuse and have learned to hate for their vulnerability. Depression and other self-destructive behavior stems from this inwardly directed anger.
Helping the Adult Survivor of Child Sexual Abuse for Friends, Family & Lovers by Kathe Stark

Before we can talk about a subject, however, it is helpful to define what it is we are talking about. In my discussions with survivors of child abuse and domestic violence, I have often found that anger is so rage and violence closely associated with that the true nature of anger is misunderstood.

Some definitions of anger:
The American HeritageŽ Dictionary of the English Language, Third Edition copyright Š 1992 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Electronic version licensed from InfoSoft International, Inc. All rights reserved.	anger (āng´ger)  noun - A strong feeling of displeasure or hostility.  verb - angered, angering, angers verb, transitive  To make angry; enrage or provoke.  verb, intransitive  To become angry: She angers too quickly.  [Middle English, from Old Norse angr, sorrow.]
Self-Transformation Series: Issue No. 7 - How to Handle Anger	Anger is tension and hostility as a result of frustration.
Controlling Anger -- Before it Controls You by the American Psychological Association	Anger is 'an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage,' according to Charles Spielberger, Ph.D., a psychologist who specializes in the study of anger. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as does the level of your energy hormones, adrenaline and noradrenalin.
I'm So Mad I Could Scream by Sherry Jones	Anger can be defined as a high-intensity, high-energy emotion which is generally of short duration (Staff, 1991).  This emotion is often triggered by a social event or interaction with other humans.
A Primer on Anger Getting a Handle on Your Mads by Lynne Namka, Ed. D.	Anger is one reaction to an event that represents a stress, threat or loss to you. The stress, threat or loss can be real or we can make it up in our mind.

There are varying degrees of anger. You can be mad, displeased, annoyed, disgusted, distraught, frustrated, jealous, offended, or resentful. You can be simply teed off or ticked off or beside yourself with rage. You can be peeved, nettled, impatient, cross, crabby, wild, or livid. You can be indignant, irritated, incensed, irate or infuriated. You can be worked-up, wrathful, het up, hot under the collar, or hopping up and down in anger. You can be fuming, furious, or foaming. You can be seeing red, raging, roaring, rampaging, or berserk. You can be snarling, snapping or sullen. As you think about anger in the future, you may want to use these and other words to describe how angry you really are.

Anger is Natural

Anger, like fear, sadness, or happiness, is a very natural human emotion.

Almost everyone, whether a child or an adult, experiences anger at one time or another.  This emotion may start developing in infants as young as three months.  In most cases those experiencing anger are receiving a signal to self-defend or protect themselves.  The most important concept for all of us to learn is that anger is a normal and natural response.  Children need to know that it is alright to be angry at times; in fact it is healthy.
I'm So Mad I Could Scream by Sherry Jones

Unfortunately, that is rarely the message given to children:

Expressing anger is not something that most of us are given permission to do while growing up. We are often told to go to our room or calm down. We buy the message that anger is inappropriate and are seldom given examples of how to vent anger in a way that does not hurt someone else or ourselves.
TAG: Teen Age Grief - The Subject of Anger by Linda Cunningham

For children who grow up in violent homes, the situation may be more challenging than simply a lack of examples of how to vent anger appropriately. It may be necessary to unlearn poor ways of expressing our anger to avoid turning it inward against ourselves or acting out in a way that causes harm to others. It is these poor expressions of anger, or inability to express anger at all, that jeopardizes our health, destroys relationships, causes problems at work, and leads to violence.

Anger: An Opportunity

Anger...an opportunity? The idea may seem ludicrous to someone who has been terrorized by the anger of others or is struggling with their own feelings of rage. But the truth is that anger has something valuable to teach us. Just like the pain of a burn protects us by compelling us to move away from the heat source, anger protects us by helping us recognize threats to our our safety or our well-being or to the safety or well-being of those we care about.

There are countless examples of anger being used for good. Ralph Nader, the consumer activist, has saved millions of lives because his anger led him to challenge the indifference of the business community to safety and quality...The hatred and anger generated by victims of abuse give them the will to survive...and anger has been the salvation of many abuse victims...People often need hatred and anger to mobilize them so they can help themselves...Anger is a reaction to injustice and falseness, it gives us the courage to right wrongs...
Reach for the Rainbow - Advanced Healing for Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Lynne D. Finney

When we feel angry, it is because there is a threat (real or perceived). Anger is the signal alerting us to the invasion or potential invasion of our boundaries. For example, if you feel angry because someone stands very close to you, leaning over your shoulder while you are working on the computer, that could be a signal that you need a little space to feel safe. It is also quite common to become angry when we are abused or threatened with abuse. Anger can cause a rush of adrenaline to help us fight back or run away.

Anger has also been called the backbone of healing from past abuse.

Anger is a powerful and liberative force. Whether you need to get in touch with it or have always had plenty to spare, directing your rage squarely at your abuser, and at those who didn't protect you, is pivotal to healing.
The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis

Your Anger, Your Responsibility

It is important to remember that the person who feels the anger is the person who owns the anger. While we often say that another person made us angry, that is really not true.

Other people cannot make you angry. They may tease you, provoke you, or invite you to be angry, but in the end you choose your response and you alone are responsible for that choice and for accepting the consequences that come with it.
Kids are Worth it! Giving Your Child the Gift of Inner Discipline by Barbara Coloroso

If you are the one who is angry, you are the one that has the problem (or opportunity) and you are the one who must decide how to respond to that anger.

Responses to Anger are Learned

We respond [to feelings of anger] in different ways at different ages. When a baby, we cry or scream. As children, it may be a tantrum or fighting, or surliness. As we grow older, we normally react through verbal expressions: arguing, criticizing, swearing. Or the person may become violent and aggressive. On the other hand, the person may have grown up learning to suppress anger, but at the same time not learn how to cope with problems, and hence tend to be ineffective in confronting difficult situations. Both these extremes are not wholesome. Aggressive release of anger as well as its suppression are not the most effective ways of dealing with a problem. Remember: the way we cope with problems and the way we express our anger are learned. There are effective and ineffective ways. If you have learned an ineffective way, you can relearn a better way.
Self-Transformation Series: Issue No. 7 - How to Handle Anger

Identifying your Anger

The first step in learning to express anger effectively is learning to recognize when you feel angry. The earlier you identify your anger, the more time you have to determine whether the threat is real or perceived and to choose an effective response. As you become more and more angry, it becomes more and more difficult to think clearly, to objectively consider whether the threat is real, or to calmly reflect upon the options available to you. One method to help you recognize your anger is to recognize the physical symptoms of anger. Try to remember the last time you were angry. Did you feel your heart racing? Did your body temperature grow hot or cold? Did your shoulders tense? Did your jaw tighten up? Did you get knots in your stomach? Did the muscles in your arms or legs tense? Did you clench your fists? Did you feel agitated? Were you shaking? Take some time to think about what happens when you get angry. Write in your journal about it. Try to be aware of these signs of anger so you will recognize your own anger next time you start to become angry.

Back to Part I

To continue go to: Part III: Using Anger's Power Safely

Horace (Roman poet) said: "Anger is a brief lunacy." At times, it may seem like anger is a mysterious and overwhelming force. It can jeopardize our health, create problems at work and in our relationships, mask our fear or other emotions, or lead to violence.

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