|
COPING WITH ANGERIt is the rare survivor that understands and handles anger in an effective way. Many survivors are completely numb and do not allow themselves to feel their anger. Others direct their anger outward, destroying property, yelling and screaming, name-calling or even becoming abusive themselves. Still others direct it inward in the form of depression, self-hatred, and self-harm or neglect. Babies have all kinds of habits, needs, and emotions that parents prohibit: sloppiness, anger, greediness, jealousy, self-centered demands, etc. As a child, we all learned that parts of ourselves were bad. This self-hatred becomes automated in the form of depression, which both punishes us and drowns out other feelings too. Understanding Anger: Theories and Facts from Psychological Self-Help at Mental Health Net The adult survivor needs to learn that his or her anger can be experienced, handled and used for a positive purpose without a catastrophe. As one survivor put it, she was afraid if she ever got angry, the whole world would burn down. For many survivors, anger was a catastrophic experience in their households. They have trouble imagining that anger can be anything but a profoundly destructive force or that there are skills one can learn to manage it effectively. Anger - Part I: Identifying Anger and Anger - Part II: Using Anger's Power Safely explored definitions of anger, learning how to identify when you are angry, and ways you can use anger as a positive force for change. However, before anger can be used as a positive force for change, it is often necessary to learn how to cope with this overwhelming emotion. This article explores some tools you can use to help you cope with anger. It is important to realize that learning to manage anger (like most recovery steps) is a process, not an event. Because anger control is basically a set of skills, Gintner said it is important to remember that clients will "strike out" at times. "It is important to prepare your clients for this by having them think of a lapse as a 'slip' versus a sign that the plan doesn't work at all," he said. Handling your anger before it handles you by Sharon Foster, reprinted at CTOnline from Counseling Today, vol. 38, May 1996 The ideas below will give you a set of tools you can pick and choose from in building your own anager management strategy. Use what works for you. If one of the tools does not work for you, try another. Do not be afraid to put your own spin on these ideas to provide a truly customized plan for you. Awareness"When working with an abuse survivor, I find a lot of anger is self-directed," she said. "Sometimes, they can be overwhelmed by it. Teaching them to watch for the physical manifestations of anger, like clenched fists and grit teeth, is the first thing we do."Taming the rage monster by Marylee Shrider from the Bakersfield Californian Perhaps you clench your first or grit your teeth. Perhaps you get a headache or your stomach starts to feel tight. Maybe the first thing you notice is a desire to hurt yourself. It is important to pay attention to these feelings. It makes sense to try to catch your anger at the irritation and frustration stages before it builds up to humongous amounts and leads to a blow up or major stuffing in your body. Be in touch with your angry emotions. Your body will clue you in to your feelings if you observe your tension patterns. Own your anger. Call it by name. A Primer on Anger Getting a Handle on Your Mads by Lynne Namka, Ed.D. at Get Your ANGRIES Out And Those Mads, Bads and Grumpies... Recognizing Anger from Mental Health Net& CMHC Systems offers a list to help you identify anger in yourself or someone else. Time OutControlling irrational behavior may mean taking a "time out" from a discussion or argument with the understanding that the subject may be brought up at a later time when tempers have cooled. Taming the rage monster by Marylee Shrider from the Bakersfield CalifornianTaking a walk, or a "time out" has been a strategy police officers have used in domestic violence cases to help the abuser regain control. "Time out" has also become a common parenting strategy for disciplining children. Application of "time out" as an anger-management technique for survivors (whether they turn their anger outward or inward) is somewhat uncommon. Yet, it can be a very valuable tool when a survivor is feeling angry, overwhelmed, or frightened. Simply tell the people around you that you need a time out and you leave the physical situation by taking a walk. If you are at work or in a social situation where this is not possible, In Getting Through the Day - Strategies for Adults Hurt as Children, Nancy J. Napier suggests: A strategy that is particularly helpful when you get triggered and you can't go home and hide, when you simply have to keep working on whatever the day has required of you, is to excuse yourself to go to the bathroom. Rarely will anyone give you a hard time for "taking a bathroom break." Getting away by yourself can be just the thing you need to pull yourself together. Napier states that the break can be used by survivors to help them reorient themselves into the present, nurture their inner child, calm themselves, and recenter. Time out from NOAH is a step-by-step guide to taking a "time out". Letting Off Steam SafelyAccording to Taming the rage monster by Marylee Shrider, bowling, hitting balls on a batting range, throwing ice cubes at a fence and smashing glass bottles in the recycling bin are a few ways to let off steam safely. Writing a letter (whether you send it or not) is another way to let off steam.Self-TalkAs an intense feeling washes over you and threatens to carry you away, helpful self-talk can help you remain calm.Examples of helpful self-talk at each step:
Anger in Intimate Relationships from Psychological Self Help at Mental Health Net You can also use helpful self-talk while you are angry to help you remember the potential consequences of losing control. Sometimes, anger is the result of being overly critical self-talk. If you heard "you're a loser," "you're stupid" and similar remarks growing up, these criticisms may repeat themselves in your self-talk. It is perfectly natural to feel angry, anxious, or depressed when you are being repeatedly subjected to such harshness - even if its from within! Thought stopping is a technique to help you overcome the tendency to abuse yourself verbally and stop thinking thoughts that are harmful (thoughts that increase your anger, make you feel suicidal, increase your desire to self-injure, etc.). According to Emotional Thought Stopping by Stephen L. Bernhardt, you cannot fail emotional thought stopping. Essentially, thought stopping involves simply saying "STOP!" inside your mind (our out loud if you are in a place where that is appropriate) any time you have a negative thought. Another method is suggested in Don't Let Stress Get You Down! from the Nebraska Cooperative Extension Sometimes we lay in bed, our mind races and we can't sleep. Often the anticipation of a situation is worse than the actual event itself. If you are tossing in bed at three a.m., unable to refrain from thinking negative thoughts, say the letters S-T-O-P over and over through your mind, and count backward from five to zero. Imagine each letter or number in vivid color and decorated with balloons and streamers. If the stressful thought is still there, spell or count again. Relaxation, Breathing and MeditationRemaining calm when you are angry not only prevents violence to yourself or others but it also helps you plan how to respond to the situation more effectively. Relaxation, breathing and meditation are all ways to help you remain calm when confronted with intense emotions. Coping Skills (Part I: Breathing) explores the use of deep breathing. Practicing the Presence, and online meditation course, can help you learn how to meditate. Methods of Changing Emotions from Psychological Self-Help at Mental Health Net offers three detailed methods of relaxing.General Self-CareThe ability to manage anger is often undermined if we are not feeling well physically. Thus, good overall self-care will help improve your ability to manage anger. Getting adequate sleep each night is an important factor. Coping Skills (Part II: Sleeping) has some tips for those who have trouble sleeping. Exercise (running, baseball/softball, brisk walks, tennis, etc.) has also been identified as a method of discharging some of the energy associated with anger. In the area of diet, caffeine should be avoided if you are struggling with anxiety or anger management issues. Obviously, alcohol and drugs are to be avoided. Not only are they harmful to your health generally and do nothing to solve the anger problems (although they sometimes numb the pain temporarily), they often lead to greater problems in the long run especially if you lose control over your anger while impaired.Identify Underlying FeelingsAnger can trigger anxiety. Anxiety can anger us Anger Management by Cathleen Henning, Guide of the Panic/Anxiety Disorders siteSurvivors need to appreciate the connection between anxiety and anger. They can feed off each other and propel the survivor into a panic attack or an outburst of anger. In some cases, the anger-anxiety cycle can lead to violence or self-harm. Whatever the underlying feeling, it is important to identify it so you can more effectively manage your anger. The questions at the Anger Toolkit site can help you identify why you are angry. Journaling is another way to get in touch with the underlying feelings.
So often our expectations are the keys to our feelings. We may not accept that others are imperfect or that we are imperfect. "Bad," "evil," "unfair" things happen billions of times daily. It is natural to feel negative emotions such as anger in response to events we label "bad" or "unfair." ...What is "fair" about some people being born into happy, prosperous families and living prosperous, long, happy lives while other people are born into miserable situations and die young after leading a life filled with suffering? "Unfairness" is all around us. I recommend abandoning the "fairness doctrine." It can be replaced with the happiness doctrine. It states that I will choose that which contributes most to my and others' happiness.
SolutionsOnce you are aware of your anger and able to identify any underlying feelings, you are in a better position to resolve the feeling in an effective way.If the anger is the result of fear, then you must determine if the fear is in response to a present-day danger or a memory or flashback. If the danger is in the present, steps should be taken to keep yourself safe. If the fear is the result of a memory or flashback, often reassurance that you are safe now is all that is needed. Often, anger is the result of a violation of your rights in the present such as when someone gets angry because their significant other leaves things lying around their home instead of putting them away or when a co-worker undermines you in front of others. In such cases, the best solution is usually to tell the person you are angry with why you are angry. Rules for Expressing Anger from NOAH is a set of guidelines for verbally expressing your anger to someone else in a safe manner. Brainstorming solutions is particularly important if the situation is likely to happen again. Questions and Answers from Controlling the Volcano Within suggests preparing yourself to avoid the situation or develop a strategy for handling it ahead of time. For example, if you know going to the mall triggers anxiety and irritability, avoid going to the mall or plan how you will cope with the problem (e.g. bringing a friend with you, going when the mall is less crowded, etc.). Let Out Past Anger in Small DosesMost survivors stuff their anger about their own victimization. In some cases, survivors are completely numb to victimization issues generally and these survivors are less likely to be able to protect their own children should their children be victimized. Other survivors are able to become angry when someone else is victimized but still cannot get in touch with feelings of anger about their own past victimization. That is the more common situation since it is much often easier to feel outrage for an injustice done to someone else than it is to get in touch with the outrage resulting from the injustices we, ourselves, have suffered.The consequences of stuffing anger to health are well documented. An additional consequence of stuffing anger is that it may spill over into present-day situations causing the survivor to overreact or even lose control. As you do get in touch with the anger from past events, it may overwhelm you. It is important to process anger from the past with care. Questions and Answers from Controlling the Volcano within suggests that stuffed anger for the past be let out in small doses. For dissociative survivors, the need to go slowly when processing past anger is especially great. As Nancy J. Napier, author of In Getting Through the Day - Strategies for Adults Hurt as Children says, "the slower you go, the faster you get there." If you are struggling with thoughts of hurting yourself or someone else, professional assistance should be obtained. It also may help to recognize that the offender may not be living as "scott free" as you imagine or as he/she seems to be living. Psychological laws are particularly effective as natural punishments. People who take advantage of other people are punished by natural reactions--such as lack of real intimacy and love in their life...For example, Stalin and Hitler are two men who may share the distinction of causing more harm to more people than any other men in history. Some have said that these men were examples of how evil power can pay--as if to prove that there is no justice. However, while both men achieved great worldly wealth and power, both men lived highly tormented lives. Understanding how difficult it is for harmful people to be happy people helps me let go of some of my anger when something appears "unjust." Overcoming Anger and Aggression by Tom G. Stevens, PhD
Red Light - Yellow Light - Green LightSome people find it helpful to think of short images that remind them of important concepts. For example, think of a traffic light. As you become aware of the signs that your anger is building, the traffic light image may help you maintain control over your anger.
Feeling angryBeing angry often scares people, for lots of reasons: anger's an intense feeling, we've often been told that being angry is bad or wrong, and it can feel as if once you start expressing it you'll never stop screaming.Part of its power lies in the physical stuff going on when you're angry. Anger triggers a rush of adrenaline, and you may feel restless and jazzed and on the verge of exploding. It's crucial to remember that the intensity will ease as the chemicals released wear off. The anger will wear off in time, but these ideas for coping will help you burn off some of the energy and get back to a more normal way of feeling faster.
Anger - Part I: Identifying Anger
|
